In the wee morning hours of 3 November 2016, the Chicago Cubs did it. After a century plus of lovably losing, the most rabidly “happy to be hear” fanbase in all of baseball finally got to fly the last W of a baseball season. Facebook posts of grandparents crying, fans roaming Addison in mindless glee, and young Cubs fans entering a world where “Billy Goat, Bartman, black cats” mean absolutely nothing. The long Northside Nightmare was over. But for every broken curse, another lives on. Sports is a dichotomous exercise and for every W there is an L. Sadly, the fans of the Cleveland Indians experienced something last night that they’ve become accustomed too over multiple generations: the despair of sports suffering.
Most Americans will walk away from the 2016 Rio Olympics with heartfelt memories of some of the greatest athletic performances witnessed in modern Olympics history. Michael Phelps once again dominated the pool on his way to winning 28 total career Olympic medals, 23 of them Golds. Simone Biles became the biggest breakout star with her near perfect masterpiece across the gymnastics spectrum, not only winning gold, but raising the bar (pun intended) on what an elite world-class gymnastics performance looks like. And once again, Usain Bolt proved he’s not human.
USA! USA! USA!
After five long years of wandering the global wilderness, Miss 500 has come home. We have our first ever All-American Miss 500! Last year, as Miss Swanepoel graced us with her 500 worthy presence, we joked “today isn’t the time for jingoism”. Well, what better year than to jingo it up with our newest entrant to the Miss 500 family. Ladies and for the most part Gentlemen, may I present to you your 2016 Miss 500…
Miss Abigail Ratchford
On to the (mini) Buzzfeed-esque highlight reel!
6. In the Year of the Miss 500 Instagram, let’s not forget Miss Ratchford’s roots…
Heidi Klum. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10.
– Future President Donald Trump, August 2015
The Don is right about a couple of things. Heidi is probably not a Miss 500 any time soon. And for once, the Miss 500 Tournament will Make America Great Again. This is your 5th Miss 500 Tournament and a lot of progress has been made since the early days of our forefathers meeting in a south Arlington living room filling out an Excel sheet. The ballot boxes are sleeker, the gifs are gifer, the women have broken through the last remaining glass ceiling (this is what they meant, right?), and the prizes are delicious. The only things that remained constant were the omnipresent threat that using a work computer for this thing would get certain folks fired…and an American has never worn the Miss 500 crown.
We are in year five of this endeavor. We’ve broken every constitutional, moral, ethical, democratic, and google history concept there is. We even had a female win this thing. But maybe this was all barreling to this year’s Fornicating Four which features one overarching feature: equilibrium. In years past, the likes of Emma Watsons rise and Kate Uptons fall. Nate Silver wouldn’t dare bring his abacus to the Miss 500 Tourney for fear of the professional ruin and long nights crying it would bring his otherwise statistical genius (or not).
The one thing that is true is a woman wins Miss 500. After that, all bets are off. Busty model? It’s happened, but ask Natalie Portman what she thinks. Teen phenom actress? Never happened. Blonde bombshell? Took 4 years to get there. An American Miss 500? Ha!
But this year, we have a chance not to breakthrough with something new, but with something for everyone. The Fornicating Four features 4 contestants each with their own unique brand, style, background, and ‘specifications’ that everyone, young and old, male or female, Señor or not Señor, can enjoy. It would be like finding UNC, Arizona, Gonzaga, and Mid-Major X in the NCAA tournament. Everyone wins. I’m glad to say that for the first time I am proud of all our 500 voters for getting us to a point of pure joy, happiness, and world peace. You degenerate fools you! That’s this year’s endearing lesson. That and I can now spell Emily Ratajkowski perfectly every time.
Let’s get to meeting our 2016 Fornicating Four…