2017 Miss 500 Roundup – Rogue Round One

Things that have never happened in the Miss 500 Tournament:

  • A redhead winner
  • A “Conor Marshall Rule” Winner
  • A winner  from the continent of Asia
  • 30 votes for one contestant in one round
  • A cartoon bunny winner
  • A deceased winner

And until yesterday, and Miss 500’s only shared distinction between itself and the NCAA besides the lack of appropriate compensation, a 16 Seed over a 1 Seed winner.

Enter…Felicity Jones

In 2014, Disney announced that in addition to the normal Star Wars trilogy lore films, three additional stand alone Anthology films would also be produced.  Of course this was met with high anticipation among the Nerd-gentsia.  First came cast leaks and we got even more excited, then came Star Wars Force Awakens, and expectations soared.  Then came the news of rewrites and refilms and worry set it.  Could the ultimate IP not pull off a Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs?  But have no fear because what do rebels do?

Image result for felicity jones i rebel gif

No fear, have you, for fear turns to hate and hate turns into the AHCA!  Or something like that.  Forget Portman’s Amidala (much respect 2013 Miss 500) or Fischer’s Leia (RIP) or even the great Ridley as Rey performance pulled off in the kinda in hindsight not THAT amazing Force Awakens.  Queen Felicity as Jyn Erso is forever.  Just like her band of blind, bulky, lonely misfits that assembled to steal the Death Star blueprints,  Felicity Jones went into Miss 500 in need of a (draft night) save and a whole lot of Force.  Luckily, Georgia Salpa was more than glad to step in as the Dark Side.  Emma Watson has long been banished from the Miss 500 Galaxy, but we have another key brunette British replacement to pick up her wizard stick and turn that sucker into a lightsaber.  Hell, there was even that time she actually “blew up a Death Star“.

Queen Felcity not pulled off not only an upset in the best Star Wars movie (or at least the last 40 min of it are the greatest 40 min of any Star Wars movie ever), but also an upset in our hearts and minds in this year’s tournament.  So despite your DRASTIC husband choice (Seriously, that guy? THAT GUY?!?!?!), here’s to you 16 Seed Space Cindarella Felicity Jones!

Image result for felicity jones smile

May the 500 Be With You…

 

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2017 Miss 500 Tournament – Round 1 “The Maxim Region”

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2017 Miss 500 Tournament – Round 1 “The Vivid Region”

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2017 Miss 500 Tournament – Round 1 “The Page 3 Region”

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2017 Miss 500 Tournament – Round 1 “The Hooters Region”

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2017 Miss 500 Tournament

2017 Miss 500 Bracket 

“All good things must come to an end”

– President Donald J. Trump (I’m assuming)

Six years ago a group of sophomorically minded guys gathered in an Arlington, Virginia apartment to embark on a journey of intellectual discovery.  What transpired instead was the Miss 500 Tournament.  As the years have gone on, after hundreds of illicit google searches and dozens of excuses to significant others, taxes paid have gone up, Friday nights out have dwindled from post 3am outings to pre 11pm pass outs, and some of us even had the nerve to get married.  But Miss 500 came year in and year out, staying strong. We’re starting to move onto the wrong side of 30 and have yet Miss 500 has had less civil or criminal investigations than the 4 month old Trump administration.  But maybe just like Donald Trump pre-impeachment, it might be time to go out on a high note #Pence2020.

But don’t worry, the world someone keeps bringing back Twin Peaks, Tim Tebow, OJ Simpson related media, MST3K, and for some reason Entourage.  So who knows, maybe see you all next year!

2017 Miss 500 Draft Awards

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500 Winners and Losers from 2017 Golden Globes

Ok, maybe not FIVE HUNDRED, but we’ve got at least a dozen.

WINNERS

Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone

These two are peachy.  Not Atlanta Peachy, sadly, but adorable nonetheless.  Emma Stone has come along way since having to plow through a hymen joke scene with Jonah Keri 10 years ago (!!!!!) in Superbad.  But Emma’s rise has been slow and steady, steadily navigating teen comedies, then tentpole Marvel flicks, fringe Rom-Coms, and finally dabbling in the dramatic endeavors such as The Help, Birdman, and La La Land that led to her coronation last night.  Emma Stone is a gem and will now be fighting in the very, very cluttered field of Jessica Chastain, Amy Adams, and Bryce Dallas Howard for America’s Redhead Sweetheart.

Regarding Gosling, the man is more likable than oxygen and a beach week in Australia.  If he and Chris Pratt had a baby, we’d have the Disney World of offspring.  As always, Gosling always wins.

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