A faint whisper in the wind passed through the mountains of the upper Andes. It was felt from the docks of Cartagena through the alleys of Medellin. And Señor was no more…
Excerpt from “A Mexican Makes a Fart”, a poem by Miguel Bodnaro (2016)
Colombia es no más!
After coming into the Miss 500 as stronger contenders than James Rodriguez on a bender in Ibiza, the Caliente Cadre de Colombia has been wiped out faster than a supermarket food aisle in Venezuela. Catalina: adios. Loaiza: buenos noches. Carla: hasta luego.
Colombia has long been known as the land where one wanders into the streets at night, only to face the choice of plomo o plata. For 500 voters, the choice was clear: Latina o Gringa. We’ve done Trump proud my 500ers.
If you know who’s picture we’re featuring for our 2016 Miss 500 Sultry 16 voting page, then an extra vote for you!
Hint: Audrina Patridge, most “notably” of The Hills fame. 9 May happens to be Miss Patridge’s birthday, so we decided, in keeping with the theme of Retroactive Miss 500 contestants and the undoubted influence mid-2000s shows like Laguna Beach, The Hills, and The OC would have had, to make her our honorary round poster girl. We could have also honored the likes of legendary news anchor Mike Wallace and some guy named Billy Joel, but…pass.
The official rule on contestant age in The Miss 500 Section Draft Constitution is as follows
ARTICLE III. Section 7.
The “Emma Watson Rule”: All selections must be of legal age in the United States as of the date of the draft and was at least of legal age in Germany during our senior high school year. Amended by Miss 500 Committee Executive Order U-17: As of 9 April 2016, all selections must be of a calculated age minimum, hereby based upon the average of legal ages for NATO member nations. (aka do the math)
I still have no idea what this means, but apparently the voters have taken full advantage, like a Wildling breaking down Castle Black’s doors. The average age of our Sultry 16 contestants is 25 years old. In the Round of Dirty 32, we saw household names like Rosie Huntington Whiteley, Emma Stone, Amber Heard, and our first departing Number 1 seed Margot Robbie set sail on their way to 500 retirement in Boca, while internet newbie sensations Julie Annee and Steph Smith continue to dominate the field. In fact, we can already name our winner for the Miss 500 Dirty and Over Thirty Award to Miss Carla Ossa as the only 30+ contestant left. With Instagram models leading the overall vote totals, its truly a sign that the internet revolution is upon us and you don’t have to put up with 10 weeks of Tyra Banks non-nonsensical advice on ANTM to become a worldwide model. The gates are open! And in 10 years, we’re probably going to be hosting this event on Renren.
So, in honor of a passing of the torch where Hollywood fame and magazine covers/centerfolds (RIP) are no longer the fast track to Miss 500-esque fame, we’ve decided to look back to an earlier time where things were simple, America didn’t need to be Great Again, and Instagram sounded like a drive through cocaine dispensary. The Miss 500 Historical Society is proud to present…
Usually we reserve this sacred space to discuss a different angle about the pop culture zeitgeist that our many contestants fill. But in light of this week’s news, we (as with every other media source on the planet) had to take a pause and (dis?) honor The Don. As we know, The Don is best known for creating a brand of “winning”, which is something you all should heed this Tournament Season. Just be grateful that The Don wasn’t a contender this year or you would all have fantastic knicknames like “Tiny Tony” or “Meltdown Matty G” or “Grumpy Greg”. Not only is The Don a winner in business, but what better place to prove he’s a winner by taking a look at The Don’s history with women. And what better place to start than where the heart is: family. Which family? Well The Don is all about choice (whether its Planned Parenthood-esque choice, we have no idea), so he’s given himself some options over the years!