Most Americans will walk away from the 2016 Rio Olympics with heartfelt memories of some of the greatest athletic performances witnessed in modern Olympics history. Michael Phelps once again dominated the pool on his way to winning 28 total career Olympic medals, 23 of them Golds. Simone Biles became the biggest breakout star with her near perfect masterpiece across the gymnastics spectrum, not only winning gold, but raising the bar (pun intended) on what an elite world-class gymnastics performance looks like. And once again, Usain Bolt proved he’s not human.
December 2010 seems like an eternity ago. Nancy Pelosi was the Speaker of the House, Ke$ha had the number one song in the country and still hadn’t taken up lodging in rehab, and Brett Favre’s record for consecutive NFL starts ended.
And Vladimir Putin was officially not the Head of Government in the Russian Federation. While those other three have yet to make any sort of comeback (although, who ever knows with Brett), Vlad has taken vengeance to a whole new level, even for Russia. The conflict in Ukraine is reaching its 1 year anniversary and no end seems to be in sight. With politicians arguing whether more guns would be more gas on the fire and negotiations falling apart faster than the Seattle Seahawks offensive playcalling, solutions are needed as the death tolls and damage continue to rise.
But The 500 isn’t here to delve too much into the politics of the ordeal. Instead, we offer another solution, one with precedent and potential effectiveness: A Boycott of the 2018 World Cup.
Filed under Olympics, Soccer
Olympics, both editions, are more than just exposes of sports that we would never watch otherwise. The flags, the uniforms, the non-stop coverage of sports for hours on end. And apparently when you put a bunch of highly competitive, athletic, 20 somethings in a foreign locale with nothing to do since the local movie theater will finish construction in 2019, you have nothing to do but turn to each other. And by turning to each other I mean lots of fornicating. This isn’t just an educated guess, but recently backed up by reports of excessive use of Tinder in the Olympic Village. So after extensive research, the 500 Section Committee on Olympic Intangible Activities, we present to you our Miss 500: Sochi edition!
After hours of deliberation, detailed observation, and the utilization of finite analytic scoring metrics, the 500 Section Olympic Committee has submitted their 2012 London Olympic Female Athlete Award winners! The national breakdown of our medalists is detailed in the chart above. Based on the scientific methods applied to these finalists, all very proud and honorable representatives of their nations aesthetic elite, the committee has also determined the following awards:
– Best National Team
– – Gold Medal: Netherlands (Field Hockey)
– – Silver Medal: Norway (Handball)
– – Bronze Medal: Sweden (Handball)