Two years ago we had our first blonde Miss 500. Last year our first American. Now a blonde, blue eyed, Made in the USA crown? We were promised America First and we got it!
This is not #FakeNews: Elizabeth Turner crushed her Championship opponent Juli Annee 13-4. Thankfully we’ll never know what sort of legal issues would fallout from a Miss 500 that didn’t exactly looked of old enough, even by POTUS standards.
So while, we couldn’t reserve the Canyon of Heroes for Miss 500’s victory parade, so a quick photo rundown of Miss Turner’s finest work will have to suffice…
Turner’s Instagram Page is EN FUEGO!!!!
Big animal lover too, including her pet cat (these winners are always cat people…)
She’s also a fitness freak…
But her number one time suck is of course her blossoming modeling career
Then again, Turner is just your run of mill normal American girl!
Congratulations Elizabeth Turner! You are 2017’s Miss 500!
The Chick Fil A Challenge (Sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign)
Last year we had our first repeat title. This year we are seriously going to investigate the extent of
Russian Iranian hacking into the process. Low and behold, the drafter of the 2014 Miss 500, Miss Polly Parsons, is back at it again. Congratulations to our one and only token turban-hippie, Matty G! Please don’t buy all $20 of your delicious Kevin Pillar approved chicken all at once. And please don’t tell Señor 😦
– Championship Score
Elizabeth Turner: 13 vs. Juli Annee: 4
– Total Tournament Votes
Elizabeth Turner: 69 votes (I’m not even kidding)
Juli Annee: 69 votes (Seriously, this isn’t even a weak attempt at 10th grade humor like the rest of this thing. If this is the last time we do this, the Miss 500 gods have sent us a sign)
*Despite the tie, we will not be sending this to the House of Representatives because we all know how well Instagram models and Evangelicals mix…
– The Road to Victory
Elizabeth Turner: 3rd Round, 46th Overall Pick; (14) Emily Ratajkowski, (6) Margot Robbie, (2) Yanet Garcia, (4) Olya Abramovich, (4) Ann Kathrin Brommel, and (3) Juli Annee
Juli Annee: 2nd Round, 20th Overall Pick; (15) Demi Rose, (10) Brooke Hogan, (6) Rosie Jones, (1) Sara Jean Underwood, (2) Stella Maxwell
This is the sixth year we’ve gone down this journey of employment fragility, and so far everyone has come out unscathed. Except Hillary, but she deserved it. Thanks again to everyone for participating (or pretending to) and putting up with these emails every May/June! Its still TBD, but this year might be our last Miss 500, at least together. But thankfully there’s technology and Mateo won this year so we can’t end on that note. If there’s a 2018 Miss 500 (or Earth), see you all on the Google!