Monthly Archives: June 2017

2017 Miss 500

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Two years ago we had our first blonde Miss 500.  Last year our first American.  Now a blonde, blue eyed, Made in the USA crown?  We were promised America First and we got it!

This is not #FakeNews: Elizabeth Turner crushed her Championship opponent Juli Annee 13-4.  Thankfully we’ll never know what sort of legal issues would fallout from a Miss 500 that didn’t exactly looked of old  enough, even by POTUS standards.

So while, we couldn’t reserve the Canyon of Heroes for Miss 500’s victory parade, so a quick photo rundown of Miss Turner’s finest work will have to suffice…

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2017 Miss 500 – Championship Match Up

2017 Miss 500 – The Finest Four Results

Talk about #AmericaFirst.  One year ago we quoted the “future” President Donald Trump and this year we don’t have to quote, we just live by his creed.  500 voters grabbed The Finest Four by their respective ballot boxes and dished out enough MAGA to make a West Virginia coal miner speak Spanish.  Gone are the quasi-European picks of Brommel and Maxwell.  In are the two penchants of all American-ness: classic blue eyed blonde vs. next-gen multi whatever she is brunette.  We might also have our first mother as a Miss 500.  Who knew!

My fellow 500ers, meet: Julie Annee versus Elizabeth Turner.

For the in depth SABR heavy background, see our Finest Four Preview, otherwise if you’ve already done your issues based research, scroll down to vote!

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2017 Miss 500: The Finest Four

Five years ago, Stacy Keibler, Kate Upton, Adriana Lima, and Catrinel Menghia walked into a 500 Section Tournament and walked away immortals.  That was our first Fornicating Four.  Three powerhouse contenders with enough name recognition to make Tiger Woods an alcoholic and one Romanian model that claimed one, albeit stellar, Super Bowl commercial to her name.  Three knowns, one newcomer…and guess who won.  We should have known that since then being a Miss 500 doesn’t depend on big names, big careers, or even big….assets.  Its all about big momentum with the 500 voters (and in Abigail Ratchford’s case, maybe some big time corruption.  But hey, prove it!).

Those were simpler times.  The articles were longer, the work days less full of work, and the submissions much more clunky.  In fact, all submissions were done by “paper ballots” where each voter had to submit their votes on an excel sheet individually.  Thank you PollDaddy for your technological marvel!  But I think we were all a little more naive in those days.  Here are some things I “predicted” about the future of this entire, soon to be more incriminating than James Comey’s notes, operation:

“Nonetheless, Ms. Lawrence is bound to be our Duke for the near future, the perennial contender with well rounded front/backcourt talent, and a strong image off-court image (sans any Men’s Lacrosse reference).  My 2013 smart money is on her.  May the odds ever be in her favor!”

“On paper, Adriana Lima has all the characteristics of your prototypical Big East contender: devout Catholic, Victoria Secret model, Forbes top 5 richest models in the world, Brazilian.  Yet her age (30) and inability to blow out our Disney Cinderella story (4) Emma Watson in the Elite 8 (Score: 7-4), has caused some worry that her better days are behind her, a la Georgetown.”

Yikes. Talk about a desperate need for an editor.  Anyways, like all businesses (even those that like this one turn less profit than every casino that has donned the word “Trump”), we’re in need of a refresh.  Gone is the “Fornicating” and on to the mature “Finest Four”.  Because that’s what we are: mature.

Lady and Gentlemen (cue the Jurassic Park score), welcome to the 2017 Miss 500 Finest Four…

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