2017 Miss 500 Roundup – Rogue Round One

Things that have never happened in the Miss 500 Tournament:

  • A redhead winner
  • A “Conor Marshall Rule” Winner
  • A winner  from the continent of Asia
  • 30 votes for one contestant in one round
  • A cartoon bunny winner
  • A deceased winner

And until yesterday, and Miss 500’s only shared distinction between itself and the NCAA besides the lack of appropriate compensation, a 16 Seed over a 1 Seed winner.

Enter…Felicity Jones

In 2014, Disney announced that in addition to the normal Star Wars trilogy lore films, three additional stand alone Anthology films would also be produced.  Of course this was met with high anticipation among the Nerd-gentsia.  First came cast leaks and we got even more excited, then came Star Wars Force Awakens, and expectations soared.  Then came the news of rewrites and refilms and worry set it.  Could the ultimate IP not pull off a Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs?  But have no fear because what do rebels do?

Image result for felicity jones i rebel gif

No fear, have you, for fear turns to hate and hate turns into the AHCA!  Or something like that.  Forget Portman’s Amidala (much respect 2013 Miss 500) or Fischer’s Leia (RIP) or even the great Ridley as Rey performance pulled off in the kinda in hindsight not THAT amazing Force Awakens.  Queen Felicity as Jyn Erso is forever.  Just like her band of blind, bulky, lonely misfits that assembled to steal the Death Star blueprints,  Felicity Jones went into Miss 500 in need of a (draft night) save and a whole lot of Force.  Luckily, Georgia Salpa was more than glad to step in as the Dark Side.  Emma Watson has long been banished from the Miss 500 Galaxy, but we have another key brunette British replacement to pick up her wizard stick and turn that sucker into a lightsaber.  Hell, there was even that time she actually “blew up a Death Star“.

Queen Felcity not pulled off not only an upset in the best Star Wars movie (or at least the last 40 min of it are the greatest 40 min of any Star Wars movie ever), but also an upset in our hearts and minds in this year’s tournament.  So despite your DRASTIC husband choice (Seriously, that guy? THAT GUY?!?!?!), here’s to you 16 Seed Space Cindarella Felicity Jones!

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May the 500 Be With You…

 

Superlatives

As always, we’ll see which contestants matching these aspects will make it furthest.

*Ginger Belt
*Blonde Belt
*Brunette Belt
*European Belt
*South American Belt
*Connor Marshall Award
*Rookie of the Year (New award in 2016)
*Double Dare Award (aka Double D award.  You can guess what this is for.  New award in 2016)
*Best at the Beach (best model/who you most want to see in a swimsuit)
*Most Talented (who’s professional career trumps all)
*Most “Talented” (who you would want to “trump” over all)
*Best Eyes (best eyes)
*Dirty and Over Thirty (looking at you Olivia Munn!)
*Best Wife (Who are you bringing home to mother)
*Best One Night Stand (Who are you making a mother)

The 500 Section Sportsbook

Dirty 32 Round Matchups To Watch

(6) Margot Robbie vs. (3) Elizabeth Turner (the Old Media vs. New Media Game)

(5) Josephine Skriver vs. (4) Ann Kathrin Brommel (the DDD Game)

(7) Hannah Davis vs. (2) Yanet Garcia (the “Are We Sure They Look 18+?” Game)

UPSET WATCH

(6) Natalie Jayne Roser vs. (3) Lucy Mecklenburgh

On the books

To win the title:

Josefine Forsberg -175

Sara Jean Underwood +110

Natalie Jayne Roser +200

Lindsey Pelas +240

Ellie Gonsalves +280

Margot Robbie +300

Juli Anee +500

Carla Ossa +700

Alexandra Deddario +800

Hannah Davis +1050

The Field +220

#FakeThoughts: Miss 500 Chairperson’s Random Musings

The James Bond movies have somehow outlasted 10 presidents, the Seattle SuperSonics and the Cold War that it was birthed from in the first place.  And for the most part, save for whatever the overrated Skyfall was doing, the movies have stuck to a simple formula that works better than xenophobia during a GOP primary: suave Brit spy, semi-unbelievable bad guy with over the top domination plans, exotic global locations, comic relief gadget scene with Q, between 11-19 very cheesy line drops, and most importantly one dead Bond Girl and then one not so dead Bond girl (both definitely infected with whatever Bond has been carrying other than his Walther PPK since pre-sex education 1960).  Trust the Process.

Despite being not even the 4th best Bond, Roger Moore holds and will probably forever hold the record for most film appearances as James Bond.  His tenure included some good highs (Octopussy) and some definitely lows (A View To A Kill…which despite Christopher Walken looking ridiculous, featured some plot about flooding Silicon Valley and a sidekick that was more miscast than all of 2007 LeBron’s Cavs teammates).  Still, being only one of six men to hold the Bond Belt, we have to honor Sir Roger Moore upon his death here on 23 May the year of our lorde 2017.  Stay shaken, not stirred old friend.

Oh, and since this is the Miss 500 Tournament, here is a Top 7 Bond Girls ranking because why not:

7. Dr. Christmas Jones (Denise Richards) – The World is Not Enough

Image result for denise richards world is not enough

Forgettable role in a forgettable movie.  But late 90s Denise Richards did her not so small part to usher along Kid Mik to Teenage Mik

6. Anya Amasova (Barbara Bach) – The Spy Who Loved Me

Image result for anya amasova bond

Tied for personal favorite of the Roger Moore flicks

5. Camille Montes (Olga Kurylenko) – Quantum of Solace

Image result for Olga Kurylenko bond

Casting a Ukrainian to play a Bolivian?  Not even in the top 22 of dumb things about the worst of the Daniel Craig-Bond era.  Still, shout out to Olga, a 2013 Miss 500 Contestant!

4. Jill Masterson (Shirley Eaton) – Goldfinger

Image result for jill masterson bond

If only for her iconic stint as the “Gold Woman” in probably the best Bond film.

3. Vesper Lynd (Eva Green) – Casino Royale

Related image

Did we mention they’re, I mean, she’s French?

2. TIE Dr. Holly Goodhead (Lois Chiles) – Moonraker and Pussy Galore (Honor Blackman) – Goldfinger

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The most typical pre-PC era Bond names we will ever have.  Classic HOF material.

1. Xenia Onatopp (Famke Janssen) – GoldenEye

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This wasn’t even close.  GoldenEye rebirthed the Bond series into the post Cold War world and eventually gave us the most classic of First Person Shooters ever.  Couple that with that name (something 11 year old Mik DEFINITELY didn’t get), that fight scene, and that Famke Janssen is still going strong, and we have our ultimate Bond Girl.

Miks Picks

(1) Nina Agdal -4.5 vs. (8) Brittney Palmer

(2) Juli Annee -6.5 vs. (10) Brooke Hogan

(16) Felicity Jones +7.5 vs. (9) Rhian Sugden

RIP Lola Bunny

Miss Bugs of the always fresh Space Jam became our own Jackie Robinson, breaking down the non-human/cartoon barrier for Miss 500.  Luckily none of us are 24 year old Japanese men addicted to Anime, so this may be the only time we see a candidate more fake then….all the other candidates.

Image result for lola bunny gif

As always, your round round-up

Blow(out) Jobs

Image result for sad emma stone eating ice cream

– Our Double D Digit Winners:

(3) Elizabeth Turner vs. (14) Emily Ratajkowski: 16-5

(9) Rhian Sugden vs. (8) Sasha del Valle: 17-4

(5) Josephine Skriver vs. (12) Sofia Black D’elia: 17-4

(4) Ann Kathrin Brommel vs. (13) Balla Yana: 17-3

(2) Carla Ossa vs. (15) Hallie Scott: 16-6

(1) Sara Jean Underwood vs. (16) Kara McCullough: 19-2

(1) Josefine Forsberg vs. (16) Emma Stone: 16-5

(6) Ellie Gonsalves vs. (11) Mia Khalifa: 18-3

(10) Doutzen Kroes vs. (7) Catalina Otalvaro: 18-3

(2) Stella Maxwell vs. (15) Logan Browning: 17-4

Just the (Buzzer Beater) Tip!

Image result for kate upton fail gif

The Fridge fought valiantly until the bitter sweet, bosom-y end…

Two overtime wins (Special thanks to the 500 Tie Breaking Committee and that coin I flipped)

(8) Galinka Mrigaeva vs. (9) Paige Spiranac: 11-11

(3) Lucy Mecklenburgh vs. (14) Kate Upton: 11-11 (F@&*(%^(%@k all of you)

Bottom or Top? Your Upset Specials!

Your Round of 64 upsets, a record tying SIX double digit seeds into the Dirty 32:

(16) Felicity Jones

(14) Emily Tanner

(13) Jessica Hart

(10) Brooke Hogan

(10) Samantha Hoopes

(10) Doutzen Kroes

*Special note: the Vivid Region went chalk

Chick Fil A Challenge (Sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign)

CONGRATULATIONS!  To TONY!  Once again, our annual Miss 500 One-And-Done Award to have all their contestants out of the Tourney first, happened just after one round.  To note, both Conor and  Señora Austin also had all of their contestants eliminated (SEVEN between the two of them), but given overall voting totals, Tony will have to get “shafted”.  Poor Tony got trolled harder than Hillary at a Pepe Rally during draft night.  Nothing he picked could go right.  It was like The Process but only if James Dolan making decisions while tripping on acid and Sean Spicer announcing the selections.  Anyways, as a parting gift, we decided to throw Tony an Emily R throwback pic for his pick.  As for your other parting gift?  Use it wisely…..

Meanwhile, our remaining contestants…

Custer – 5 remaining contenders (Last round: 6)

Ryan – 4 (5)

Mumford – 3 (6)

Greg – 3 (5)

Evan – 3 (3) *No eliminations!

Kyle – 2 (4)

Bailey – 2 (4)

Mateo – 2 (4)

Josh – 2 (4)

Mik – 2 (4)

George – 2 (3)

Señor – 1 (3)

Chef – 1

Conor – 0 (4)

Señora Austin – 0 (3)

Tony – 0 (1)

Contestant Nationalities

All the Aussies lived!  Can’t say the same probably for anyone watching The Leftovers…

American – 11

Australia – 5

English – 4

Russia – 4

Danish – 2

Colombia – 1

Swedish – 1

Czech – 1

Dutch – 1

German – 1

Irish – 1

Mexican – 1

Travel Banned: Czechs, Greeks, Mexicans, Norwegians, Portuguese, and Ukrainians

Conor Marshall Rule Contestants (In Memorium)

Down to just three…Yanet Garcia, Carla Ossa, Jasmine Sanders

Contestant “Profession”

Hollywood is gonna be more upset by this than the 2016 election…

Actress – 4

Model – 12

Instagram Model – 9

Daughter – 0

Nobel Prize Winners – 0

Chancellors of Germany – 0

Athlete – 0

Singer – 0

Celebrity Cartoon Rabbit – 0

Hip Hop Video Vixen – 0

Miss USA – 0

TV Personality – 2

WAG – 1

Ring Girl – 1

Adult Film Stars – 0

Emma Watson’s – 0

Contestant Hair Color

Image result for bryce dallas howard gif black mirror

No. More. Reds.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Blonde – 11

Brunette – 14

Dark – 0

Light Brown – 7

Red – 0 😦

Round 1 Results & Dirty 32 Voting!

Round One Results

Dirty 32 Voting!

**Polls Close at 7:00am Wednesday 24 May**

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