Heidi Klum. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10.
– Future President Donald Trump, August 2015
The Don is right about a couple of things. Heidi is probably not a Miss 500 any time soon. And for once, the Miss 500 Tournament will Make America Great Again. This is your 5th Miss 500 Tournament and a lot of progress has been made since the early days of our forefathers meeting in a south Arlington living room filling out an Excel sheet. The ballot boxes are sleeker, the gifs are gifer, the women have broken through the last remaining glass ceiling (this is what they meant, right?), and the prizes are delicious. The only things that remained constant were the omnipresent threat that using a work computer for this thing would get certain folks fired…and an American has never worn the Miss 500 crown.
Since 2012, we’ve had a Romanian, a semi-Israeli, a Brit, and a South African take home the Chick Fil A glory. And yes, we checked birth certificates. Luckily, all will not be banned from entering the U.S. in February 2017. But what about our American sisters in arms at home? China may no longer be importing iPhones, appliances, cookware, clothing, General Tso’s, or pretty much anything made at 99% of retail stores (then again, we’re not that materialistic, so who cares!). But those aren’t the only imports that have wreaked havoc on our Red, WHITE, and Blue way of life. Every Tournament, we start off with an overwhelming presence of Americans, like a Mexican beach during Spring Break. But in the end, the Americans always seemed to lose. Not this year, not under The Don’s watch.
This time, it’s America’s to lose. Abigail Ratchford and Holland Roden have reached the plateau. Of course, you can see our Sponsored-By-Fangraphs in depth breakdown in the Fornicating Four preview, but at this point, we’re all going to be winners. Also at stake is our potential first redhead or DD silicon’d Miss 500 (we’re not ending this thing until we have a winner with BOTH qualities!), but that’s not really what’s important. Racks or Redheads, G-Strings or Gingers, Girl Next Door vs. Girl in the Stripclub Next Door, this year, America is throwing democracy to the wayside and electing our Queen. Just know that no matter what, Abigail or Holland, America will truly be Great Again.
Miss 500 Awards
Ginger Belt – Holland Roden
Blonde Belt – Natalie Jayne Roser
Brunette Belt – Abigail Ratchford
European Belt – Emily Ratajkowski
Latina Belt – Ana de Armas
Connor Marshall Award – Charm Killings
Rookie of the Year (New award in 2016) – Holland Roden
Double Dare Award (aka Double D award. You can guess what this is for. New award in 2016) – Abigail Ratchford
Best at the Beach (best model/who you most want to see in a swimsuit) – Natalie Jayne Roser
Most Talented (who’s professional career trumps all) – Emily Ratajkowski
Most “Talented” (who you would want to “trump” over all) – Hannah Davis
Best Eyes (best eyes) – Ana de Armas
Dirty and Over Thirty (looking at you Olivia Munn!) – Carla Ossa
Best Wife (Who are you bringing home to mother) – Holland Roden
Best One Night Stand (Who are you making a mother) – Julie Annee
Views: Miss 500 Chairperson’s Random Thoughts
(Semi)Official Championship Odds
Abigail Ratchford (-2.5) vs. Holland Roden
Poll closes SUNDAY 22 May at MIDNIGHT Eastern!
Our final ballot forgoes any Vine, Snapchat, Gif, or whatever post-aught social media trend I always forget my app password to. Instead, we’re going old school with some YouTube clips for our final two! We are the 500 Section, and we approved these messages…
(WARNING: videos might involve beds, underwear, and Holland Roden/Abigal Ratchford involved with either)
Holland Roden 2016 “Morning Love”
Abigail 4 America 2016 “Art of Seduction”
And yes, my reaction to these were similar to the end of the Daisy ad…