2016 Miss 500: Fornicating Four Preview


We are in year five of this endeavor.  We’ve broken every constitutional, moral, ethical, democratic, and google history concept there is.  We even had a female win this thing.  But maybe this was all barreling to this year’s Fornicating Four which features one overarching feature:  equilibrium.  In years past, the likes of Emma Watsons rise and Kate Uptons fall.  Nate Silver wouldn’t dare bring his abacus to the Miss 500 Tourney for fear of the professional ruin and long nights crying it would bring his otherwise statistical genius (or not).

The one thing that is true is a woman wins Miss 500.  After that, all bets are off.  Busty model?  It’s happened, but ask Natalie Portman what she thinks.  Teen phenom actress?  Never happened.  Blonde bombshell?  Took 4 years to get there.  An American Miss 500?  Ha!

But this year, we have a chance not to breakthrough with something new, but with something for everyone.  The Fornicating Four features 4 contestants each with their own unique brand, style, background, and ‘specifications’ that everyone, young and old, male or female, Señor or not Señor, can enjoy.  It would be like finding UNC, Arizona, Gonzaga, and Mid-Major X in the NCAA tournament.  Everyone wins.  I’m glad to say that for the first time I am proud of all our 500 voters for getting us to a point of pure joy, happiness, and world peace.  You degenerate fools you!  That’s this year’s endearing lesson.  That and I can now spell Emily Ratajkowski perfectly every time.

Let’s get to meeting our 2016 Fornicating Four…


Emily Ratajkowki

Full Name: Emily O’Hara Ratajkowski

Nickname: “Baby Woman” (during childhood)

Drafter: Chef Lewan

DOB: June 7, 1991

Age: 24

Sign: Gemini

Place of Birth: Westminster, London, United Kindgom

Nationality: British-American

Ethnic  Background(s): Polish, English, and Israeli

Height/Weight: 5’7″ and 119 lbs

Hair: Brunette

Eyes: Brown

Specs: 35-24-34; 32C

Dress Size: 2 (US)

Shoe Size: 8.5 (US)

Relationship Status: Currently dating musician Jeff Magid since 2014.  And yes, Magid is ‘that guy’…

Most Recent Career Achievement(s): Leading role in  the film “We Are Your Friends” alongside Zac Efron; guest appearance in “Entourage Movie” alongside Adrian Grenier; Buick ad during Super Bowl 50 alongside Odell Beckham Jr.

Special Talent: Sharing a Carl’s Jr. Memphis BBQ Burger with Sara Jean Underwood

Favorite Gif(s): Tie – MOST famous for her full front appearance in Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” music video; FIRST famous for sharing a cheeseburger with 2013 Miss 500 Runner-up Sarah Jean Underwood


Emily Sara Jean

Fun Facts:

* Family moved to San  Diego, CA when she was 5, but raised mostly in Ireland and Mallorca, Spain

* Favorite cuisines are Vietnamese and Thai

* Attended UCLA for one year in 2009 before modelling professionally full time

* Esquire’s 2013 “Woman of the Year” (a less than worthy accolade next to a Miss 500 crown)

* Spokeswoman for Planned Parenthood

* Endorsed Senator Bernie Sanders during the 2016 Democratic Primaries in New Hampshire (aka The Young Male Vote)


Miss 500 History:

2012: DNP

2013: DNP

2014: 6 seed; 1st round elimination

2015: 4 seed; Dirty 32 elimination

2016: 2 seed, TBD…

2016 Draft Stats: 1st Round; 9th overall

Total 2016 Tournament Votes: 70



Holland Roden

Full Name: Holland Marie Roden

Nickname: None; but refuted an internet article that claimed she had a personal nickname for Justin Bieber; she later clarified she does not know the Biebs

Drafter: Ryan

DOB: October 7, 1986

Age: 29

Sign: Libra

Place of Birth: Dallas, Texas, USA

Nationality: American

Ethnic  Background(s): German

Height/Weight: 5’3″ and 117 lbs

Hair: Red

Eyes: Hazel

Specs: 35-25-35; 32B

Dress Size: 6-8 (US)

Shoe Size: 7 (US)

Relationship Status: Currently dating actor and former Teen Wolf co-star Max Carver.

Most Recent Career Achievement(s): Currently plays Lydia Martin in the MTV show Teen Wolf.  If you’re participating in this tournament and have actually seen this show, speak now and forever be sent to Gitmo.

Special Talent: Consistently dying her hair more red (from its natural strawberry blonde), to the delight of adolescent boys across America

Favorite Gif(s):

Roden gif

Fun Facts:

* Attended UCLA for 3 years majoring in Molecular Biology and Women’s Studies before leaving prior to graduating to pursue acting full time

* Enjoys surfing, dancing, and rock climbing

* Would perform plays for her family as a child, emulating the Queen of England

* Deputed in 12 Miles of Bad Road in 2007.  It’s ok, we didn’t see it either

* Played a small role in the show Lost as a young Emily Locke, the mother of everyone’s “Please just die already” Lost character, John Locke

* Favorite musicians are Cat Stevens, Mumford & Sons, Crash Kings and Josh Rouse


Miss 500 History:

2012: DNP

2013: DNP

2014: DNP

2015: DNP

2016: 3 seed, TBD…

2016 Draft Stats: 5th Round; 75th overall

Total 2016 Tournament Votes: 74 (2nd most through Fornicating 4)



Abigail Ratchford

Full Name: Abigail Ratchford

Nickname: None

Drafter: Mik

DOB: February 12, 1992

Age: 24

Sign: Aquarius

Place of Birth: Scranton, Pennsylvania, USA

Nationality: American

Ethnic  Background(s): Irish, German, and French

Height/Weight: 5’9″ and 128 lbs

Hair: Dark

Eyes: Green

Specs: 41-26-37; 36DD

Dress Size: 4 (US)

Shoe Size: 7.5 (US)

Relationship Status: As far as we can tell, currently single (!!!!!!).  Previously dated Jamie Lovine, who’s Instagram bio is as follows, “Formerly of Marvel/Beats By Dre/WWE. Current CRO of Meltdown Comics”.  The bar is low my friends.

Most Recent Career Achievement(s): Recently (April 2016) at odds with In-N-Out Burger due to a ‘racy’ advertisement she shot with the iconic Southern California burger.   The 500’s legal counsel has found no cause for media ethics violations.

Special Talent: Run the gambit of “modeling” with spreads in Maxim, Esquire, and ZOO.

Favorite Gif(s):

Ratch Gif

Fun Facts:

* Grew up Catholic, attending Catholic high school and a Jesuit university; speaking of Cathlic, was the 5th of 7 children in her family

* Has over 3.3. million followers on social media

* After rumors began linking Ratchford and GOAT Johnny Manziel, TMW pulled this quote,

“Well, we spoke to Abi … and she tells TMZ Sports her and Johnny’s relationship is just like his current NFL career … no one is scoring.”

* Earned north of $3.4 million since being discovered on Instagram

* Has a younger sister, Isabelle, who might one day be a decent 12 seed in future Miss 500s

* Appeared on a brief scene of Parks and Recreation


Miss 500 History:

2012: DNP

2013: DNP

2014: DNP

2015: 3 seed, Dirty 32 elimination

2016: 3 seed, TBD…

2016 Draft Stats: 1st Round; 13th overall

Total 2016 Tournament Votes: 70



Natalie Jayne Roser

Full Name: Natalie Jayne Roser

Nickname: None

Drafter: Bailey

DOB: March 12, 1991

Age: 25

Sign: Pices

Place of Birth: Sydney, Australia

Nationality: Australian

Ethnic  Background(s): English and German

Height/Weight: 5’11″ and unknown

Hair: Blonde

Eyes: Blue

Specs: 32-26-36; 34C

Dress Size: 2 (US)

Shoe Size: 10 (US)

Relationship Status: Currently dating Dan Adair (??) for almost 2 years

Most Recent Career Achievement(s): Miss Universe Australia 1st Runner Up 2014

Special Talent: Her intense workout regimen.  Or my personal preference, the Australian accent…

Favorite Gif(s): Couldn’t find a gif.  I implore the internet to get on this!

Fun Facts:

* Bachelor degree for Visual Communications and Design

* Favorite Song is “Hallelujah”; favorite food is pi

* Likes playing netball, but favorite sport to watch is Aussie Rules Football

* Career inspiration: Arnold Schwarzenegger


Miss 500 History:

2012: DNP

2013: DNP

2014: DNP

2015: DNP

2016: 2 seed, TBD…

2016 Draft Stats: 1st Round; 7th overall

Total 2016 Tournament Votes: 69



FS1 Style Erotic 8 Round-Up

Here is your updated bracket

2016 Miss 500 Bracket – Erotic 8 Results


Upsets, Tip Ins, and Blow(out) Jobs

* Down to the wire.

(2) Abigail Ratchford vs. (9) Hannah Davis: 15-14 (OT)


SABR Metrics

* Two models, one actress, and an Instagram star

* Diversity!  At least in hair.  One a piece for blonde, redhead, brunette, and dark hair

* Two Americans, an Aussie, and a “Brit”


Blank Space: Miss 500 Chairperson’s Random Thoughts


Jayne Roser (+3.5) over RATCHFORD

RATAJKOWSKI (-4) over Roden


La Cuba Libre Tribute

For a while, the Southern Storm was upon us, but luckily voters realized what was at stake and walled up against the likes of Catalina, Ossa, Loiaza, and finally Ana de Armas.  Señorita de Armas came into the 2016 tourney as an unknown, only to storm to the Erotico Ocho as a constant underdog (only achieving 60 total votes after The Ocho, far behind her fellow contenders).  Still, its a sign of things to come with US-Cuban relations warming, Carnival Cruises taking advantage of Old Habana, and Señor Robles conducting a trade mission to Cuba in May that will ultimately lead to WW3 and make Kennedy-Kruschev proud.  But no matter how short our Latinas fell this year, we will always be able to honor their historic runs through the power of sandwich…


The Fornicating Four…

Has been postponed!  Check The 500 Section and your inbox for updates and links.

Polls open on MONDAY, 16 May at 930am Eastern.

Polls close on TUESDAY, 17 May at 1159pm Eastern


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Filed under Miss 500, Pop Culture

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