2016 Miss 500 Round of Dirty 32 Roundup – Next Generation

NextGen

The official rule on contestant age in The Miss 500 Section Draft Constitution is as follows

ARTICLE III. Section 7.

The “Emma Watson Rule”: All selections must be of legal age in the United States as of the date of the draft and was at least of legal age in Germany during our senior high school year. Amended by Miss 500 Committee Executive Order U-17: As of 9 April 2016, all selections must be of a calculated age minimum, hereby based upon the average of legal ages for NATO member nations.  (aka do the math)

I still have no idea what this means, but apparently the voters have taken full advantage, like a Wildling breaking down Castle Black’s doors.  The average age of our Sultry 16 contestants is 25 years old.  In the Round of Dirty 32, we saw household names like Rosie Huntington Whiteley, Emma Stone, Amber Heard, and our first departing Number 1 seed Margot Robbie set sail on their way to 500 retirement in Boca, while internet newbie sensations Julie Annee and Steph Smith continue to dominate the field.  In fact, we can already name our winner for the Miss 500 Dirty and Over Thirty Award to Miss Carla Ossa as the only 30+ contestant left.  With Instagram models leading the overall vote totals, its truly a sign that the internet revolution is upon us and you don’t have to put up with 10 weeks of Tyra Banks non-nonsensical advice on ANTM to become a worldwide model.  The gates are open!  And in 10 years, we’re probably going to be hosting this event on Renren.

So, in honor of a passing of the torch where Hollywood fame and magazine covers/centerfolds (RIP) are no longer the fast track to Miss 500-esque fame, we’ve decided to look back to an earlier time where things were simple, America didn’t need to be Great Again, and Instagram sounded like a drive through cocaine dispensary.  The Miss 500 Historical Society is proud to present…

 

Retro Miss 500 Tournament: 2006

2006 Miss 500 Bracket

PDF Version of 2006 Miss 500 Bracket

Through some supercomputer algorithms and a 3 hour lunch break at work, The Miss 500 Historical Society has  been able to produce a rough estimate of what we retroactively project how the 2006 Miss 500 Tournament would have gone. To put things in perspective, Keira Knightley was 21, Kate Middleton was 5 years away from being a princess, Elisha Cuthbert was making a guest appearance in Season 5 of 24, President Bush had a majority in both houses of Congress, Ryan Howard wasn’t an MVP (or a contract albatross) yet, and Kate Upton was turning 13 years old.

Without the clutter of Instagram, YouTube, and on demand reality TV, this draft would have been predominantly FHM/Maxim influenced.  After some light 5-4 like voting that probably would have been heavily delayed as I scoured the Mary Wash campus for paper bracket submissions and Sidekick text messages, we are retroactively proud to announce Miss Adriana Lima as our 2006 Miss 500!

Of course, we all know how this ends up…

(PS: for all those not in the know, Adriana Lima for some reason married Serbian NBA journeyman Marko Jaric for 5 years from 2009-2014.  This happens to coincide with the Great Global Recession.  I’m just stating facts here.  And I’d request all 9/11 Truthers and JFK Conspiracy Theorists to get off their asses and figure this one out first.)

The 500 Section Sportsbook

Sultry 16 MATCHUPS TO WATCH

(2) Nina Agdal vs. (3) Emily Ratajkowski

(1) Juli Annee vs. (13) Katja Zwara

 

UPSET WATCH

(9) Hannah Davis over (5) Elizabeth Loaiza

 

ON THE BOOKS

To win the title:

Hannah Ferguson +110

Emily Ratajkowski +150

Catalina Otalvaro +200

Natalie Jayne Roser +250

Nina Agdal +500

Katja Zwara +1100

Ana de Armas +1200

Holland Roden +3000

The Field +450

 

Views: Miss 500 Chairperson’s Random Thoughts

Kendrick Bowden

Last year around this time, two fan favorites met their fates in the Dirty 32.  In fact, we decided to bring back the exact same picture above that we used in last year’s post bidding farewell to these two fine contestants.  Anna Kendrick has officially taken over the Nerd Voting Bloc, but unfortunately there isn’t enough coalition building for her to bella capella cover We Are The Champions here.

500FanGraphs

Total Round 1 & 2 votes for each contestant in the Sultry 16:

(1 seed) Juli Annee: 53

(6) Steph Smith: 45

(3) Holland Roden: 45

(1) Carla Ossa: 44

(9) Hannah Davis: 42

(2) Nina Agdal: 42

(2) Natalie Jayne Roser: 39

(5) Bryana Holly: 39

(3) Emily Ratajkowski: 39

(2) Abigail Ratchford: 39

(1) Catalina Otalvaro: 37

(5) Elizabeth Loaiza: 36

(5) Ana de Armas: 36

(3) Marloes Horst: 35

(13) Katja Kwara: 35

(2) Hanna Ferguson: 35

 

Miks Picks

Dirty 32 Results: 0-3 (this smells a lot like our 500 NFL picks…)

(5) Ana de Armas +4.5 vs. Catalinia Otalvaro

(2) Natalie Jayne Roser -2 vs. (6) Steph Smith

(3) Emily Ratajkowski PK vs. (2) Nina Agdal

 

As always, your round round-up

Blow(out) Jobs

Agdal

– Our Double D Digit Winners:

(1) Juli Annee vs. (8) Emilia Clarke: 30-7

(6) Steph Smith vs. (14) Emma Stone: 26-9

(2) Abigail Ratchford vs. (7) Amber Heard: 22-10

(5) Ana de Armas vs (4) Shir Elmaliach: 22-12

(1) Carla Ossa vs. (8) Lauren Cosgrove: 26-9

(2) Nina Agdal vs. (10) Rhian Sugden: 26-6

 

Just the (Buzzer Beater) Tip!

Buzzer

Two nail biters this round

(2) Hannah Ferguson vs. (7) Keeley Hazell: 18-17

(3) Marloes Horst vs. (11) Nicole Naude: 17-16

 

Bottom or Top? Your Upset Specials!

Davis

Your Round of 64 upsets, a record SIX double digit seeds into the Dirty 32:

(9) Hannah Davis (taking down #1 seed Margot Robbie)

(13) Katja Zwara (our Cinderella has arrived!)

 

Chick Fil A Challenge (Sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign)

Charles and Hart contestants were taken out like they were Kasich delegates in Cleveland…

Señor – 3 remaining contenders (Last Round: 3)

Bailey – 2 (2)

Brittney – 2 (3)

Ryan – 2 (3)

Charles – 1 (4)

Hart – 1 (4)

Kyle – 1 (2)

Tony – 1 (2)

Chef – 1 (2)

Mik 1 – (2)

George – 1 (1)

Matty G – 0 (2)

Custer +1 – 0 (2)

Greg – 0 (0)

Jenny – 0 (0)

Connor – 0 (0)

 

Contestant Nationalities

USA – 6

Colombia – 3

UK – 1

Australia – 2

Cuba – 1

Denmark – 1

Netherlands – 1

Poland – 1

The Refugees: Afghanistan, Canada, France, India, Israel, Portugal, Russia, South Africa, and Ukraine

 

Conor Marshall Rule Contestants (In Memorium)

Elizabeth Loaiza, Catalina Otalvaro, Carla Ossa, are Ana de Armas are all still in.

Of course, Cinco de Mayo inspired voting might have come too soon.

 

Team Greg (sponsored by FromRussiaWithLove.com)

Team Greg continues to ride the Katja Zwara…train…

 

Contestant “Profession”

Instagramers took Yahoo! type hit to their stock…

Actress – 2

Model – 11

Instagram Model – 3

Nobel Prize Winners – 0

Chancellors of Germany – 0   😦

Athlete – 0

Singer – 0

Hip Hop Video Vixen – 0 (God Damn No)

TV Host – 0

WAG – 0 (aka Pulling a Caps)

State First Lady – 0

Adult Film Stars – 0

Emma Watson’s – 0

 

Contestant Hair Color

The blondes took it really hard.  Phrasing.

Blonde – 8

Brunette – 4

Dark – 2

Light Brown – 1

Red – 1 (STAYYYYY STRONGGGGGG)

 

Round 1 Results & Sultry 16 Voting!

2016 Miss 500: Dirty 32 Results

Voting for the Sultry 16 ENDS TUESDAY, 10 May at 11:59pm Eastern.  Happy Google-ing!

2016 Miss 500: Sultry 16 Voting

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