Usually we reserve this sacred space to discuss a different angle about the pop culture zeitgeist that our many contestants fill. But in light of this week’s news, we (as with every other media source on the planet) had to take a pause and (dis?) honor The Don. As we know, The Don is best known for creating a brand of “winning”, which is something you all should heed this Tournament Season. Just be grateful that The Don wasn’t a contender this year or you would all have fantastic knicknames like “Tiny Tony” or “Meltdown Matty G” or “Grumpy Greg”. Not only is The Don a winner in business, but what better place to prove he’s a winner by taking a look at The Don’s history with women. And what better place to start than where the heart is: family. Which family? Well The Don is all about choice (whether its Planned Parenthood-esque choice, we have no idea), so he’s given himself some options over the years!
Starting with Ivana Trump in 1977, The Don’s first true love. This started The Don’s long love affair with making sure his seed was planted east (of the Alps) so that the world would get to know what a wispy haired Croat might look like. Beyond over a decade of matrimony, these two also gave the world Ivanka:
Of course, while she might not be the business mastermind of her ex-husband, she’s a sharp butter knife in her own kitchen too!
The Don + Ivana + Ivanka: Winner.
On to Mrs. The Don #2! Marla Maples is probably the least known of the Don clan, but she can claim her golden years of 1993-1999 when she was married to The Don. And boy can he pick’em. Miss Maples was a renowned actress in her own right during the 90s. Let’s take a look at the fantastic lineup of big screen and little screen performances!
I’m 200% convinced that Meryl Streep robbed Marla of some Oscars for these roles. And if Rotten Tomatoes were a thing back in the day, these would definitely be local farm fresh.
The Don + Marla: Winner.
Melania “Future First Lady” Trump
This one I’ll give The Don major props for. Slovenian models don’t come around too often, so when they do, don’t trade down. Just take the pick! After initially meeting in 1998 in NYC, Melania and The Don finally hitched in 2005. She’s been adding one word of English to her vocabulary every since. But we don’t need to go into details about Mrs. Slovenia, we should hear The Don in his own words talk about our future First Lady…
I don’t know about you, but I think we just found the GOP 2016 campaign slogan. Finally, while The 500 Section remains officially non-partisan for official office holders, there’s no reason to hold back on our endorsement for unofficial offices, such as First Lady. So as much as we’d love to see what Bill Clinton could do to bring down his wife’s presidency in Round 2, we’re full heartedly endorsing Mrs. Melania Trump!
The Don + Melania. WE’RE ALL WINNERs! (Except the Mexicans, blacks, Jews, Muslims, Europeans, Asians, guests at Trump Plaza…)
The Don’s Other Female Adventures
Finally, we have to address The Don’s other ventures into womanhood. We won’t get into the weeds of some of the comments he’s made to Fox News anchors or Carly Fiorina’s face. Instead, we’ll let Conner Eldridge, Democratic Candidate for U.S. Senator from Arkansas do the typing…
Don’t worry Don, if you’re ever in trouble with the masses, The 500 has your back. Or at least Melania’s.
As always, we’ll see which contestants matching these aspects will make it furthest.
*South American Belt
*Connor Marshall Award
*Rookie of the Year (New award in 2016)
*Double Dare Award (aka Double D award. You can guess what this is for. New award in 2016)
*Best at the Beach (best model/who you most want to see in a swimsuit)
*Most Talented (who’s professional career trumps all)
*Most “Talented” (who you would want to “trump” over all)
*Best Eyes (best eyes)
*Dirty and Over Thirty (looking at you Olivia Munn!)
*Best Wife (Who are you bringing home to mother)
*Best One Night Stand (Who are you making a mother)
The 500 Section Sportsbook
Dirty 32 Round Matchups To Watch
(5) Bryana Holly vs. (13) Anna Kendrick (the HOLY SHIT KENDRICK IS STILL HERE?!?!?! game)
(5) Paige Spiranac vs. (13) Katja Zwara (the Unpronounceable game)
(7) Rosie Huntington Whiteley vs. (2) Natalie Jayne Roser (the Blonde Bowl)
(11) Nicole Naude vs. (3) Marloes Horst
On the books
To win the title:
Margot Robbie -250
Hannah Ferguson +150
Emily Ratajkowski +250
Catalina Otalvaro +250
Natalie Jayne Roser +300
Rosie Huntington Whiteley +750
Karlie Kloss +1100
Amber Heard +1200
The Field +450
Views: Miss 500 Chairperson’s Random Thoughts
Star Wars: The Force Awakens brought in over $2 billion in revenue. That’s almost as much as two people need to run for President. But the power of the Force didn’t just end when the credits rolled. Daisy Ridley, most notable for her portrayal of Rey from the most recent Star Wars flick, landed in this year’s Tourney as a “Happy to Be Here” 16 seed. Only to give Colombia’s hero Catalina Otalvaro a run for her pesos. The Force was strong with this one, fighting to a halftime lead of 11-10 votes. Undoubtedly, the Dark Side of Señor got wind of such musings and shut it down, with Daisy scoring nada in the 2nd half and losing 16-11. Don’t worry, because Felicity Jones is going to romp next year, especially when we’ve sent all the Latina contestants back in 2017.
(8) Emilia Clarke +5 vs. (1) Juli Annee
(5) Elizabeth Loaiza -3.5 vs. (4) Sydney Maler
(11) Katrina Bowden +6.5 vs. (3) Emily Ratajkowski
As always, your round round-up
– Our Double D Digit Winners:
(1) Juli Annee vs. (16) Karen Kasich: 23-3
(7) Rosie Huntington Whiteley vs. (10) Rainey Quelley: 19-7
(1) Margot Robbie vs. (16) Angela “Mother of Germans” Merkel: 22-7
(5) Elizabeth Loaiza vs. (12) Rosie Jones: 19-8
(3) Holland Roden vs. (14) Charm Killings: 24-2
(8) Karlie Kloss vs. (9) Lynn Gilmartin: 22-4
(5) Bryana Holly vs. (12) Alexandra Daddario: 18-8
(1) Carla Ossa vs. (16) Katie Nolan: 18-8
Just the (Buzzer Beater) Tip!
THREE overtime wins (with a little nudge from the 500 Chairperson. Sue me!)
(8) Lauren Cosgrove vs. (9) Priyanka Chopra: 14-13
(13) Anna Kendrick vs. (4) Nikki Howard: 14-13
(10) Rhian Sugden vs. (7) Lada Kravchenko: 14-13
Bottom or Top? Your Upset Specials!
Your Round of 64 upsets, a record SIX double digit seeds into the Dirty 32:
(10) Rhian Sugden
(11) Nicole Naude
(11) Katrina Bowden
(13) Katja Zwara
(13) Anna Kendrick
(14) Emma Stone
*Special note: the Maxim Region went chalk. Although, if Daisy Ridley actually pulled off the upset against #1 seed Catalina Otalvaro, Señor would commence the building of a wall from the Mexican side of the U.S. Border to keep our unworthy thoughts north of the Rio.
Chick Fil A Challenge (Sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign)
CONGRATULATIONS! To Connor for our annual Miss 500 One-And-Done Award to have all their contestants out of the Tourney first. This year we had a tie, but Greg was able to avoid the Gulag by eking out a vote average of 9 per contestant to Connor’s 6. The Miss 500 Committee hereby bestows Connor with the annual “500 Shafted Trophy”! Lift this sucker (suckee?) high over your head and take a victory lap around the rink!
Meanwhile, our remaining contestants…
Charles – 4 remaining contenders (Last round: 6)
Hart – 4 (4)
Ryan – 3 (6)
Brittney – 3 (6)
Señor – 3 (4)
Kyle – 2 (4)
Custer +1 – 2 (2)
Chef – 2 (4)
Tony – 2 (4)
Matty G – 2 (5)
Bailey – 2 (2)
Mik 2 – (3)
George – 1 (3)
Greg – 0 (3)
Jenny – 0 (1)
Connor – 0 (3)
USA – 14
UK – 6
Australia – 3
Colombia – 3
Cuba – 1
Denmark – 1
Israel – 1
Netherlands – 1
Poland – 1
South Africa – 1
The Refugees: Afghanistan, Canada, France, India, Portugal, Russia, and Ukraine
Conor Marshall Rule Contestants (In Memorium)
Elizabeth Loaiza, Catalina Otalvaro, Carla Ossa, Ana de Armas. Our annual Hip Hop Video Vixen, Miss Charm Killings, lost 24-2, or in the words of Chris Tucker
Team Greg (sponsored by FromRussiaWithLove.com)
Team Greg is down to one unpronounceable name: Katja Zwara.
In other news…THE KASICH IS DEAD. LONG LIVE THE KASICH
Instagramers took Yahoo! type hit to their stock…
Actress – 9
Model – 17
Instagram Model – 4
Nobel Prize Winners – 0
Chancellors of Germany – 0 😦
Athlete – 1
Singer – 0
Hip Hop Video Vixen – 0 (God Damn No)
TV Host – 0
WAG – 1
State First Lady – 0
Adult Film Stars – 0
Emma Watson’s – 0
Contestant Hair Color
The brunettes took it really hard. Phrasing.
Blonde – 18
Brunette – 6
Dark – 3
Light Brown – 3
Red – 2 (Stay Strong Gingers!)
Round 1 Results & Dirty 32 Voting!
Voting for the Dirty 32 begins THURSDAY, 5 May at 9:30am Eastern. Happy Google-ing!