After five long years of wandering the global wilderness, Miss 500 has come home. We have our first ever All-American Miss 500! Last year, as Miss Swanepoel graced us with her 500 worthy presence, we joked “today isn’t the time for jingoism”. Well, what better year than to jingo it up with our newest entrant to the Miss 500 family. Ladies and for the most part Gentlemen, may I present to you your 2016 Miss 500…
Miss Abigail Ratchford
On to the (mini) Buzzfeed-esque highlight reel!
6. In the Year of the Miss 500 Instagram, let’s not forget Miss Ratchford’s roots…
The Don is right about a couple of things. Heidi is probably not a Miss 500 any time soon. And for once, the Miss 500 Tournament will Make America Great Again. This is your 5th Miss 500 Tournament and a lot of progress has been made since the early days of our forefathers meeting in a south Arlington living room filling out an Excel sheet. The ballot boxes are sleeker, the gifs are gifer, the women have broken through the last remaining glass ceiling (this is what they meant, right?), and the prizes are delicious. The only things that remained constant were the omnipresent threat that using a work computer for this thing would get certain folks fired…and an American has never worn the Miss 500 crown.
We are in year five of this endeavor. We’ve broken every constitutional, moral, ethical, democratic, and google history concept there is. We even had a female win this thing. But maybe this was all barreling to this year’s Fornicating Four which features one overarching feature: equilibrium. In years past, the likes of Emma Watsons rise and Kate Uptons fall. Nate Silver wouldn’t dare bring his abacus to the Miss 500 Tourney for fear of the professional ruin and long nights crying it would bring his otherwise statistical genius (or not).
The one thing that is true is a woman wins Miss 500. After that, all bets are off. Busty model? It’s happened, but ask Natalie Portman what she thinks. Teen phenom actress? Never happened. Blonde bombshell? Took 4 years to get there. An American Miss 500? Ha!
But this year, we have a chance not to breakthrough with something new, but with something for everyone. The Fornicating Four features 4 contestants each with their own unique brand, style, background, and ‘specifications’ that everyone, young and old, male or female, Señor or not Señor, can enjoy. It would be like finding UNC, Arizona, Gonzaga, and Mid-Major X in the NCAA tournament. Everyone wins. I’m glad to say that for the first time I am proud of all our 500 voters for getting us to a point of pure joy, happiness, and world peace. You degenerate fools you! That’s this year’s endearing lesson. That and I can now spell Emily Ratajkowski perfectly every time.
A faint whisper in the wind passed through the mountains of the upper Andes. It was felt from the docks of Cartagena through the alleys of Medellin. And Señor was no more…
Excerpt from “A Mexican Makes a Fart”, a poem by Miguel Bodnaro (2016)
Colombia es no más!
After coming into the Miss 500 as stronger contenders than James Rodriguez on a bender in Ibiza, the Caliente Cadre de Colombia has been wiped out faster than a supermarket food aisle in Venezuela. Catalina: adios. Loaiza: buenos noches. Carla: hasta luego.
Colombia has long been known as the land where one wanders into the streets at night, only to face the choice of plomo o plata. For 500 voters, the choice was clear: Latina o Gringa. We’ve done Trump proud my 500ers.
If you know who’s picture we’re featuring for our 2016 Miss 500 Sultry 16 voting page, then an extra vote for you!
Hint: Audrina Patridge, most “notably” of The Hills fame. 9 May happens to be Miss Patridge’s birthday, so we decided, in keeping with the theme of Retroactive Miss 500 contestants and the undoubted influence mid-2000s shows like Laguna Beach, The Hills, and The OC would have had, to make her our honorary round poster girl. We could have also honored the likes of legendary news anchor Mike Wallace and some guy named Billy Joel, but…pass.
The official rule on contestant age in The Miss 500 Section Draft Constitution is as follows
ARTICLE III. Section 7.
The “Emma Watson Rule”: All selections must be of legal age in the United States as of the date of the draft and was at least of legal age in Germany during our senior high school year. Amended by Miss 500 Committee Executive Order U-17: As of 9 April 2016, all selections must be of a calculated age minimum, hereby based upon the average of legal ages for NATO member nations. (aka do the math)
I still have no idea what this means, but apparently the voters have taken full advantage, like a Wildling breaking down Castle Black’s doors. The average age of our Sultry 16 contestants is 25 years old. In the Round of Dirty 32, we saw household names like Rosie Huntington Whiteley, Emma Stone, Amber Heard, and our first departing Number 1 seed Margot Robbie set sail on their way to 500 retirement in Boca, while internet newbie sensations Julie Annee and Steph Smith continue to dominate the field. In fact, we can already name our winner for the Miss 500 Dirty and Over Thirty Award to Miss Carla Ossa as the only 30+ contestant left. With Instagram models leading the overall vote totals, its truly a sign that the internet revolution is upon us and you don’t have to put up with 10 weeks of Tyra Banks non-nonsensical advice on ANTM to become a worldwide model. The gates are open! And in 10 years, we’re probably going to be hosting this event on Renren.
So, in honor of a passing of the torch where Hollywood fame and magazine covers/centerfolds (RIP) are no longer the fast track to Miss 500-esque fame, we’ve decided to look back to an earlier time where things were simple, America didn’t need to be Great Again, and Instagram sounded like a drive through cocaine dispensary. The Miss 500 Historical Society is proud to present…