I like to feel blonde all over.
– Marilyn Monroe
So do I, Marilyn, so do I. Ladies and Gentlemen, we’re here. The final resting place for weeks of banter, debate, homicide, and hate crimes. Welcome to Baltimore…
Meanwhile, we have our 2015 Miss 500 Finalists! In case you wanted some bias built in (and you know WE do), meet your Chick-Fil-A Challenge contestants: Valeria for Candice Swanepoel and Charles for Margot Robbie. Somewhere in a jungle in Guatemala, Señor Robles is screaming at the torture of his beloved Columbian losing so close to the finals. Or he’s being tortured by paramilitaries. Probably the latter (cue a flock of birds flying above a jungle canopy…).
We covered the advanced metrics of our two lovely finalists during our Fornicating Four preview, so we’ll just get give each a video shout out (you got me, it’s because it’s Friday and I’m lazy), followed by our annual awards and, of course, the voting.
So we could’ve gone with some Maxim or SI swimsuit shoot video, but we’re above such petty, superficial exercises here at The 500 (everyone reading that sentence right now). Instead, how about Candice being interviewed by some online lifestyle blog for some intentional and LOTS of unintentional humor. A running diary…
0:01 The bit is called “Seven Seconds with Candice Swanepoel”. Yes, insert every joke about how you probably wouldn’t make it seven seconds with Candice Swanepoel. Get it out now…get it?
0:07 So seven seconds and the first question in, we’re already unsure whether Candice is pulling off the dumb blonde or, well she is. Genius or boob with no in between.
0:24 Again, is she in on the joke? Are we sure we aren’t going to overload her like trying to open up as many tabs on your Chrome browser just to see if there IS a limit?
0:50 In response to “What are your favorite reality shows?”, Candice starts throwing out the “trashiest” ones she likes. Listen in for her “Duck Dynasty” ref, not because of the show, but her accent going full blown Afrikaans on us. Have we mentioned that Candice knowing Afrikaans and having a South African accent is quadruple points in the Wins Above Watson (or WAW) advanced metric? FanGraphs doesn’t count this. F&*k you FanGraphs.
0:59 Like is she REALLY in on the joke here? Can we call a doctor?
1:11 Ok she has to be, this is getting ridiculous. Her sarcastic dead pan is giving Aubrey Plaza a run for her money
1:12-1:21 I’ve actually rewatched the “What’s your favorite emoji” bit like 205720967 times. My new ringtone is Candice Swanepoel saying “The Gun and the Poop”, which happens to be the movie title of her debut action acting career.
1:35 She seems genuine, but we cannot make a conclusive call on whether she’s all there. But yes, whatever is there, it’s genuine.
Did Margot Robbie once play flip cup with Jimmy Fallon on the tonight show? Of course! And did Jimmy Fallon lose? Double of course!
The best part is that she’s pretty fantastic at it. And despite having the most French name without being French this side of Marquis Grissom, Margot is straight Aussie with a phenomenal accent to boot.
Sidebar: an updated rankings of the hottest accents when speaking English –
4) South African
5) Tie – French & Russian
We don’t need to revisit the Wolf of Wall Street scene again, but just know that if it’s substance and talent you’re looking for, Margot is the complete package. Unless it’s Candice Swanepoel you’re looking for, then vote for Candice.
Miss 500 Awards
Ginger Belt – Karen Gillan (WOOOOOOO!)
Blonde Belt – Candice Swanepoel or Margot Robbie
Brunette Belt – Kate French
European Belt – Silje Norendal
Connor Marshall Award – Elizabeth Loaiza
Best at the Beach (best model/who you most want to see in a swimsuit) – Candice Swanepoel
Best at the Ball (most classy/who you most likely see on an E runway) – Margot Robbie
Most Talented (whose professional career trumps all) – Margot Robbie
Most “Talented” (who you would want to “trump” over all) – Elizabeth Loaiza
Best Eyes (best eyes) – Candice Swanepoel
Dirty and Over Thirty (looking at you Olivia Munn!) – Kate French
Best Wife (Who are you bringing home to mother) – Katrina Bowden
Best GF (Who wouldn’t want to be a mother) – Anna Kendrick
Best One Night Stand (Who are you making a mother) – Brittney Palmer
Blank Space: Miss 500 Chairperson’s Random Thoughts
(Semi)Official Championship Odds
Margot Robbie (-2) vs. Candice Swanepoel
Poll closes MONDAY 18 May at NOON!