2015 Miss 500: Fornicating Four Preview

Fornicating Four

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, “Awwww, I wish my friends were here.”

And then there were four.  Never in the long, tumultuous history of the Miss 500 Tournament has a fair haired maiden taken home the Chick Fil A gift card.  Well that dark haired era is coming to a close.  As of noon, 13 May, Kate French of The L Word, One Tree Hill and….Accepted? fame was holding down the fort for brunettes around the world.  (Editor’s Note: Next year a ginger is winning.  It’ll be conducted under 1933 German Reichstag election conditions if need be).  Kate lost.  A blonde will win.  It was just a little over a year ago that this very site was RIP-ing blondes.  We stand corrected, much to the happiness and joy of men everywhere not voting in this thing.  And they said universal suffrage for Miss 500 was going to be a bad thing!  Then again, we almost got Kendrick’d.

Let’s get to meeting our 2015 Fornicating Four…

Candice Swanepoel

Swanepoel Maid

Full Name: Candice Susan Swanepoel

Nickname: “Candy”

Age: 26

Sign: Libra

Place of Birth: Mooi River, Natal Province, South Africa

Height/Weight: 5’10″ and 139 lbs

Hair: Blonde

Eyes: Blue

Specs: 33-23-34.5; 33B

Relationship Status: Dating Hermann Nicoli (Brazilian male model; been dating since she was 17, once again proving that Brazilian men are the Bill Cosby’s of the world)

Most Recent Career Achievement(s): Ranked #1 on Maxim’s 2014 “Hot 100 List”…a pithy of an award compared to this one, if we must say

Special Talent: See picture above

Fun Facts:

* Originally brunette

* She grew up on a huge dairy and cattle farm

* Has four Jack Russell terriers

* Go-to karaoke song is The Pocohontas song “Colors of the Wind” or anything Disney

* She is close friends with fellow African and Victoria’s Secret Angel Behati Prinsloo and British model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley

* Actively involved in Mother2Mother, a charity devoted to achieving an “HIV-free generation” of children and mothers in Africa

Miss 500 History:

2012: DNP

2013: 7 seed; eliminated in Round 2

2014: DNP

2015: 4 seed; TBD

Total 2015 Tournament Votes: 58

Elizabeth Loaiza


Full Name: Elizabeth Loaiza Junca

Nickname: N/A

Age: 26

Sign: Libra

Place of Birth: Cali , Valle del Cauca , Colombia

Height/Weight: 5’7″ and 123 lbs

Hair: Light Brown

Eyes: Green

Specs: 35-23-35; 38D

Relationship Status: Dating (significant other: unknown)

Most Recent Career Achievement(s): Verbatim from her directly Google translated Wiki page:

“In December he returns to Miami to Fontainebleau where he is photographed naked Devin Del Santo. and meeting with El Canelo in a concert of David Guetta possibly having an affair with boxer, then have a family meeting.

Special Talent: See picture above

Fun Facts:

* Competed for Miss World Colombia in 2007

* Studied Business and Law at Sergio Arboleda University

* Has taken helicopter flying lessons

* Formerly married to Rafael Escruceria from 2007-2010 with whom she had one daughter

* Spokesperson for Colombian Clinic for Obesity and Metabolism

Miss 500 History:

2012: DNP

2013: DNP

2014: DNP

2015: 1 seed; TBD

Total 2015 Tournament Votes: 63

Margot Robbie


Full Name: Margot Elise Robbie

Nickname: “The Hobbit”

Age: 24

Sign: Cancer

Place of Birth: Dalby, Australia

Height/Weight: 5’6″ and 126 lbs

Hair: Blonde

Eyes: Blue

Specs: 34-23-34; 32B

Relationship Status: Dating British director Tom Ackerley (or rather, has yet to rise above Second Unit Director, despite such film credits as Everly and The Last Days on Mars…yeah we don’t care either)

Most Recent Career Achievement(s): Co-starred with Will Smith in Focus

Special Talent: This scene.  But she’s also a hot Hollywood ticket, including starring as Jane in Tarzan, along side Tina Fey in the war-satire The Taliban Shuffle, and in a comic book installment Suicide Squad, all coming along the next 2 years.

Fun Facts:

* Raised on her grandparents farm on the Gold Coast, Australia

* Worked at Subway before starting her acting career

* Member of Greenpeace

* Needs glasses, but looks fantastic in them still

* Took 3 tequila shots to prepare for her sex scene with Leonardo DiCaprio in The Wolf of Wall Street…filmed at 9am no less!

* Dressed up like James Franco’s character in Spring Breakers once

Miss 500 History:

2012: DNP

2013: DNP

2014: 7 seed; eliminated in Erotic 8

2015: 3 seed; TBD

Total 2015 Tournament Votes: 60

Hannah Ferguson

St. Lucia/Bodypaint Hannah Ferguson - 12/06 - 12/10 St. Lucia/St. Lucia 12/6/2013 X157277 TK3 Credit: Walter Iooss Jr.

Full Name: Hannah Ferguson

Nickname: N/A

Age: 23

Sign: Taurus

Place of Birth: San Angelo, Texas, USA

Height/Weight: 5’9″ and 130 lbs

Hair: Blonde

Eyes: Blue

Specs: 36-24-35; 32D

Relationship Status: Single

Most Recent Career Achievement(s): SI Swimsuit model

Special Talent: This Carl’s Jr. Commercial

Fun Facts:

* According to her official Instagram, likes Fishing, the Beach, Ice Cream and Baking aka every American girl between the ages of 20-30.

* Born on Cinco de Mayo

* Fan of the Keanu Reeves movie John Wick, started listening to reggae music, and was reading The Hobbit as of 2014

* Anddddddd that’s it.  Not to throw bias, but Miss Ferguson isn’t all that interest on the internet…besides her Google Image page of course.

Miss 500 History:

2012: DNP

2013: DNP

2014: DNP

2015: 9 seed; TBD

Total 2015 Tournament Votes: 63

As always a rundown of the bloodbath known as this year’s Erotic 8

ESPNews Style Erotic 8 Round-Up

Here is your updated bracket

2015 Miss 500 – Erotic 8 Results

 Upsets, Tip Ins, and Blow(out) Jobs

* Down to the wire.

(4) Candice Swanepoel vs. (2) Kate French: 14-13

(3) Margot Robbie vs. (12) Daniella Grace: 13-12

Chick Fil A Challenge (Sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign)

These drafters all still have one horse each in the race:

Val, Señor, Charles, and Tony.  That’s right, a FEMALE drafter has made it into the Fornicating Four.  And who says we need a national policy guaranteeing paid maternity leave.

SABR Metrics

* All Blondes, All The Time

* Call Ted Cruz, three Americans got taken out yesterday.  More importantly, so did a Norwegian.

* 3 Models and one Margot Robbie

Blank Space: Miss 500 Chairperson’s Random Thoughts


SWANEPOEL (-3) over Loaiza

Ferguson (+2) over ROBBIE

Norway Tribute

Speaking of Ferguson (the girl, not….that), Hannah Ferguson, a 9 seed, took down 7 seed Silje Norendal.  A shout out to Norway’s finest athlete and really just Norway in general.  I mean the country spawned this “Warm Up to Norwegian Military Gals” page and it wasn’t all that bad!  And if you ever find yourself stuck around a fjord looking for some company, try out some of these pick up lines!

Du har vakre øyne

You have very pretty eyes.

Herregud. Du er ganske vakker.

You are quite beautiful

Tror du på kjærlighet ved første blikk?

Do you believe in love at first sight?

 Ikke skyt !

Don’t shoot!

So here’s to you, the finest NATO ally of the north.


Fornicating Four Voting

Polls will open at 9:30am Eastern TOMORROW 14 May and will close at 11:59am Eastern on FRIDAY, 15 May.


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Filed under Miss 500, Pop Culture

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