The greatest irony of the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament is that most fans interest peaks during the early rounds, only to fall off as the quality of the games increases along the way. Despite most college ball fans adamantly showcasing the game’s purist version of the competition relative to professional versions, March Madness has tilted more towards entertainment than sporting event. While college football continues to suffer through debate after debate as to how to crown The Best Team, college basketball has figured out a more efficient process through The Tourney. Yet, most fans don’t watch or even care who is eventually crowed the National Champion. Fans watch to be entertained, not to find out who is the best. Its a Sports Republican’s worst nightmare. And so, upsets garner attention and following. LSU in 1986, George Mason in 2006, VCU in 2011, hell the entire 2011 tournament. People seem to remember these Cinderella stories even though no 9 seed or lower has ever won a national title. When the last net is cut down, it winds up being a jersey we’ve seen before or expected to climb the 64 team high mountain.
And Miss 500 is not immune to such races against midnight voting deadlines before our favorite ladies turn into pumpkins themselves. Every year, despite hours of blood, sweat, tears, more blood, and more alcohol induced sweat suffered during the Miss 500 draft, initial seedings only say so much when raising hands among friends. Once a voter is hidden behind their home computer curtain, they become their own Wizard of Oz. Underdogs become juggernauts. For years, the Emma Watson factor has always struck fear into the hearts and DDs for Maxim blondes everywhere. This year, Emma the Immortal became Emma the Muggle with a first round exit. In her stead, Miss Anna “Every Guy Thinks I’m So Attainable” Kendrick has dutifully filled the role. Eight of the sixteen contestants in the 2015 Sultry 16 have upset a higher seed. If Cinderellas can dance, then this year’s Miss 500 is going to be crazier than that rave in that Matrix movie.
We’ve been drafting and voting long enough now that we start to see trends in our favorite, only to fall early and unknowns only to become household names contestants. To help get an idea of who’s who, let’s do our best Miss 500 – NCAA Team comps!
Kate Upton – Villanova
ALWAYS a high seed with a lot of front loaded talent. Consistent in one department (Nova – Ball Movement; Upton – “Ball Movement”) and an expected favorite…but always leaving early when actually pitted against superior talent. When you think of it, all that hype and yet both can be summed up in one word: boobs.
Olivia Munn – UNC
Unless you’re an asshole aka Duke fan, nobody actually HATES the Tarheels. Dean Smith, MJ, those baby blew uni’s. UNC = cool college basketball. And Olivia Munn = cool Olivia Munn.
Anna Kendrick/Emma Watson – Gonzaga
Small schools with big dreams. All these equal cute and while we aren’t surprised when they enter the Tourney, we always get over excited when early success leads to overhyping. Will this be the year? That seems to be an annual tradition for all these contestants.
Allison Brie – Georgetown
We already covered this one in last round’s roundup. Allison is classy and old school beautiful. She belongs in any Country Club clubhouse or a yacht. And even though she’s been a top 4 seed every year, long runs and short runs always end up without a title, just like the Hoyas’ history of always coming up short despite a history of talent.
Emily Ratajkowski – Duke
One word: Polarizing. Either you’re on board or you HATE these two. We also would have accepted Belle Knox.
Mila Kunis – Michigan State
Tom Izzo perennially wins the “Coach That Seems the Most Fun to be Coached By” award, while Mila Kunis, while not THE hottest, always seems like she’s as fun as a Bachelor Party.
Brooklyn Decker – Kentucky
Pretty standard. If Brooklyn Decker were a McDonalds All-American, she’d definitely be a One and Done candidate. If Miss 500 started 10 years earlier and winners weren’t retired, Decker would have taken home several pieces of hardware by now. Then again, Decker is an avid UNC fan, so as always, we’re usually wrong about this stuff.
Kristen Bell – Kansas
Midwest girl meets Midwest ballers. Nobody hates Bell and nobody is overly excited about the Jayhawks. They’re made for each other, right down to both being seen on screens as red hair’ed cartoons. KU’s 2008 national title run, second since 1952, really was the first time in forever.
Blank Space: Miss 500 Chairperson’s Random Thoughts
– Jorgie Porter, Ciara Price and Abigail Ratchford all losing during this past round was like flying a GermanWings plane into a Nepalese earthquake. The amount of lost silicon alone might have caused an upset in that market’s NASDAQ listing.
– Emily Ratajkowski also met her demise at the hands of Meg Griffin, the latter winning this years Miss Racially Ambiguous 500. While Ratajkowski is most known for mainstream “exposure” in Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” video and more recently a supporting role in the “B’s be Cray” Fincher film “Gone Girl”, let’s all harken back to 2012. Carl’s Jr/Hardees, always known for their big burgers promoted by bigger mounds of meat, threw out this commercial advertising their Memphis BBQ Burger. Yes, that’s Emily herself sharing the grill and then each other with 2013 Miss 500 Runner-Up Sara Jean Underwood. At this point, we’re not sure which caused more heartattacks, the burger or the commercial.
Sultry 16 Matchups To Watch
(6) Katrina Bowden vs. (10) Anna Kendrick…The Bowden Juggernaut has collected 43 of 55 votes cast in her matchups…and Anna Kendrick is Anna Kendrick
(2) Brooklyn Decker vs. (3) Margot Robbie…the blonde version of Pacquiao vs. Mayweather
(7) Silje Norendal vs. (14) Jennifer Lawrence…battle of the bracket busters
(14) Jennifer Lawrence vs. (7) Silje Norendal
The 500 Section Sportsbook Odds (Updated!)
Katrina Bowden -200
Margot Robbie -100
Brooklyn Decker +150
Elizabeth Loaiza +250
Olivia Munn +500
Ellie Gonsalves +1000
The Field +150
As always, your round round-up
– Our Double D Digit Winners:
(1) Elizabeth Loaiza vs. (8) Elisha Cuthbert: 20-6
(6) Katrina Bowden vs. (3) Abigail Ratchford: 19-7
(2) Brooklyn Decker vs. (7) Jen Selter: 17-7
Just the (Buzzer Beater) Tip!
(5) Brittney Palmer vs. (4) Alexandra Daddario: 14-13 OT
(2) Kate French vs. (7) Helen Owen: 14-13
Bottom or Top? Your Upset Specials!
Your Round of 64 upsets:
(5) Mila Kunis
(5) Brittney Palmer
(6) Katrina Bowden
(7) Silje Norendal
(9) Hannah Ferguson
(10) Anna Kendrick
(12) Daniella Grace
(14) Jennifer Lawrence
Chick Fil A Challenge (Sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign)
Mr. Wood can smell the chicken….
Hart – 3 (Last Round 4)
George – 2 (4)
Steve – 2 (4)
Tony – 1 (2)
Charles – 1 (2)
Chef Lewan – 1 (2)
Kyle – 1 (2)
Señor- 1 (2)
Josh – 1 (1)
Ryan – 1 (1)
Val – 1 (1)
Team DE – 1 (1)
Eat Mor Beef
The Custers – 0 (2)
Mik – 0 (2)
Conor – 0 (1)
Mike – 0 (1)
Lorraine – 0 (0)
Moira – 0 (0)
All three remaining Brits are out. UK’s “In or Out” vote came early…and UKIP won
USA – 9 (Last round 19)
Australia – 2 (2)
Canada – 1 (2)
Columbia – 1 (2)
Norway – 1 (1)
South Africa – 1 (1)
Ukraine – 1 (1)
Belgium, Brazil, Czech Republic, Greece, Hungary, Italy, Portugal, and the UK
Conor Marshall Rule Contestants (In Memorium)
RIP Video Hip Hop Vixens. We really (REALLY) never knew you:
2 – Elizabeth Loaiza and Olivia Munn
Carla Ossa, you’ll live on forver in Austin’s search history
Actress – 7 (Last round 12)
Model – 8 (19)
2016 Presidential Contestants – 0
Athlete – 1 (1)
Singer – 0 (0
Adult Film Stars – 0 (this number almost forced the Miss 500 Committee to cancel this year’s tournament)
Emma Watson’s – 0 (0)
Blonde – 10 (Last round 18)
Brunette – 4 (11)
Dark – 1 (3)
Red – 0 (0)
Don’t be fooled, Natalie Portman won and she was bald at one point. Blondes are currently playing The Most Dangerous Game.
Dirty 32 Results and Sultry 16 Voting!
Voting for the Sultry 16 begins MONDAY, 11 May. Happy Google-ing!