“There’s no place like 127.0.0.1”
Critics of this tournament have always said that the event takes place in two different worlds: 1) the public gathering of the draft where all judgement is passed and hammered home and 2) the private solitude of one’s work computer/smartphone/tablet where real opinions of what makes a woman THE woman in our own minds. We are all our own wizards when stuck behind the curtain. Of course men want to see the Double-est of Ds and Blondest of Blondes make it on to the finals! But this isn’t a science, despite the repeated experimentation that continues to imbue this whole process. Much to the chagrin of our Maryland voting contingent, all too often the Natalie Portmans of the world use their jedi mindtricks on poor, hapless voters, leading to the Sara Jean Underwoods of the world not even making it into the bracket two years after defeat in the finals. As is the growing trend across America, somehow we’ve gone from nerd revenge to nerd utopia…
At least that’s what we thought.
Being a nerd no longer means what it used to. Yes, there are still the stereotypes about dorking out on a computer with you best friends long into the night on some MMORPG (To which this writer cannot attest to. Then again, high school LAN parties were breeding grounds for hard drive swaps of *AHEM* “personal files”….it was porn, ok?). And yes, nerd sex life can still be put front and center even if she isn’t.
Thanks to Netflix and the Internet in general, the SI Swimsuits of the world no longer dominate college dude dorm room posters. Instead, knowing about Peyton Manning’s QBR and crushing it at FIFA 15 is almost secondary to knowing who’s going to win the Iron Throne and who is your favorite Doctor. In a world where every Millennial has a smartphone, we’ve all got to think “smart” is cool in some form or another. But what does this have to do with this year’s Miss 500? Well, we had some heavy hitters go down for the Nerdom last night, and it wasn’t pretty. Except that’s exactly what they were. Karen Gillan (Doctor Who), Emma Watson (Harry Potter), Natalie Dormer (Game of Thrones), Alice Eve and Zoe Saldana (Star Trek), Kate Mara (House of Cards), and Aubrey Plaza (Parks & Rec) all were defeated. Handedly in some cases. But nothing compared to the loss of three seed Alison Brie.
Brie is only making her second appearance in Miss 500, but she’s come out of the gate a juggernaut. Not only is her claim to fame show Community a mega-cult hit, but she’s also spent the last 8 years as a small, but fantastic character on one of TV’s Golden Age stalwart in Mad Men. Anyone that can TV marry Pete Campbell deserves a Nobel Prize of some sort. And as if this wasn’t propping up her nerdy bona fides enough, she’s even done these random Smirnoff vodka ads with the Cones of Dunshire creator himself, Adam Scott. The 500 Section R&D Department is still working on the final algorithms of the Hot-Cute-Pretty triangle of female attractiveness, and these delays therein are due to the Alison Brie’s of the world. She somehow manages all three at all times. The 500 SportsBook even put her as a +250 favorite (4th best odds) amongst all contestants this year (all payouts will be done in wampum). A 1 seed in 2014 and a 3 seed in 2015, Brie is slowly turning into the Georgetown of the bracket. Then again, who else would take her down but The 500’s 2013 Miss Alpha-Female Co-Recipient Jennifer Lawrence. Remember, Katniss never dies.
So, nerds of the world, you’re stuck with voting for those centerfold blondes you drafted for in the first place. J-Law is still there and so is Anna Kendrick aka Watson 2.0. For now, go on reddit and do whatever weird Internet things you (ok fine, we) do as we play off Alison into the digital sunset….
Other First Round Highlights
I’ve got a blank space baby…and I’ll vote your name.
As mentioned earlier, the Miss 500 Committee Chair used Executive Order 069 to include Taylor Swift into the 2015 tournament. Where is the legal authority for this action? It’s between my ring and index fingers.
And it almost worked! Early voting put Taylor Swift AHEAD of Rosie Jones 10-6 with West Coast, overseas, and absentee ballots yet to be accounted for. I should have burned the box of ballots while I had the chance. So yes, our strategy to lock down the women’s vote (check), put her up against the weakest 1 seed (check), and minimize the number of guy voters (unchecked) did not translate into electoral victory. Hillary, I still expect my 2am phone call to be your campaign manager, but I’m sure you deleted the email with my CV in it, so I’ll resend.
Anyways, TS is out but she’s not down. She was the unofficial winner of the 500 Section “Who Has the Alpha-Female Conch” Award, taking the crown from Beyonce (again, but without interruption) and that’s good enough for her. And so, a small ode to Taylor with the 500’s top 5 favorite Taylor Swift songs ever….
5. We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together
3. Blank Space
2. Our Song
This year marks the 10 year high school anniversary for some of us (20 if your name is Conor) and the first, second, third…..one thousand eight hundred and fifteenth thought that goes through one’s mind when that invitation comes through is: I hope Katie the Great Red Buffalo is still hot (she is). Actually its, why would I have any reason to go to this thing? High school is literally 2 and a half iterations of college time ago and maybe in 1978 it made sense to see what happened to all the people that never left town, but Mark Zuckerberg may do to reunions what Expedia and Kayak did to travel agents: extinction. After 10 years or more of being apart and building your own life, it would make sense to want to see how Amy and Jimmy look now, what they’re up to, and how they’re doing. But guess what, Facebook has ALL the answers! Because while we complain about the NSA being able to take our data, Google, Target and hell our own doing have put more of our own personal data on the web-nets then the KGB and East Germans would know what to do with. Once again, thanks for clicking Accept to every disclaimer ever.
So yes, the questions of “What’s their job?”, “What do they look like?, and “Are they married…with kids? Will three vodka cranberries change downplay that fact for 3 hours?” are pretty much answered already with some due diligent Facebook/LinkedIn (I knew that site had a purpose!) stalking. Showing up to the reunion is just a visual confirmation of your expectations and a chance to get drunk with the friends you would otherwise get drunk with if you were in town for any other reason. Unless there’s a casino night thing, then all bets are off.
Anyways, we’re back with the same awards as last year for those lucky contestants that make if further in the draft than anything Conor picked.
*South American Belt
*Connor Marshall Award
*Best at the Beach (best model/who you most want to see in a swimsuit)
*Best at the Ball (most classy/who you most likely see on an E runway)
*Most Talented (who’s professional career trumps all)
*Most “Talented” (who you would want to “trump” over all)
*Best Eyes (best eyes)
*Dirty and Over Thirty (looking at you Olivia Munn!)
*Best Wife (Who are you bringing home to mother)
*Best One Night Stand (Who are you making a mother)
Blank Space: Miss 500 Chairperson’s Random Thoughts
PREDICTION: a blonde American woman is going to win in 2015…but not 2016.
Dirty 32 Round Matchups To Watch
(4) Emily Ratajkowski vs. (5) Mila Kunis…aka the 2015 Racially Ambiguous Bowl!
(3) Abigail Ratchford vs. (6) Katrina Bowden…this might be the best Blonde vs. Brunette matchup of the year
(2) Ciara Price vs. (10) Anna Kendrick…Cinderellas can dance…and sing!
(10) Anna Kendrick vs. (2) Ciara Price
The 500 Section Sportsbook Odds (Updated!)
Olivia Munn -110
Margot Robbie +100
Kate Upton +250
Katrina Bowden +280
Olivia Munn +300
Brooklyn Decker +350
Ellie Gonsalves +10000
Abigail Ratchford +1000
The Field +250
As always, your round round-up
– Our Double D Digit Winners:
(1) Ellie Gonsalves vs. (16) Gigi Hadid: 19-8
(2) Brooklyn Decker vs. (15) Aubrey Plaza: 19-7
(6) Katrina Bowden vs. (11) Claire Coffee: 24-6
(10) Anna Kendrick vs. (7) Alice Eve: 20-9
(11) Carla Ossa vs. (6) Sara Uribe: 18-6
Just the (Buzzer Beater) Tip!
(4) Charlotte McKinney vs. (13) Zoe Saldana: 13-12 OT
(5) Brittney Palmer vs. (12) Sara Sampaio: 14-13
(7) Helen Owen vs. (10) Emma Watson: 13-12
(7) Jen Selter vs. (10) Taylor Larison: 13-12
Bottom or Top? Your Upset Specials!
Your Round of 64 upsets:
(9) Barbara Palvin
(9) Kristen Bell
(9) Hannah Ferguson
(10) Anna Kendrick
(11) Carla Ossa
(11) Ashley Greene
(12) Daniella Grace
(14) Jennifer Lawrence
Chick Fil A Challenge (Sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign)
George – 4 (Last round 5)
Steve – 4 (5)
Hart – 4 (4)
Tony – 2 (6) — Yikes
Charles – 2 (5)
Chef Lewan – 2 (4)
Kyle – 2 (4)
Señor- 2 (3)
The Custers – 2 (2)
Mik – 2 (2)
Josh – 1 (3)
Mike – 1 (3)
Ryan – 1 (3)
Val – 1 (2)
Team DE – 1 (2)
Conor – 1 (1)
Eat Mor Beef
Lorraine – 0 (2)
Moira – 0 (1)
– Not a good day to be a Brit. Tomorrow will be worse for David Cameron.
USA – 19 (Last round 36)
United Kingdom – 3 (9)
Australia – 2 (3)
Canada – 2 (3)
Columbia – 2 (3)
Hungary – 1 (1)
Norway – 1 (1)
South Africa – 1 (1)
Ukraine – 1 (1)
Belgium, Brazil, Czech Republic, Greece, Italy, and Portugal
Conor Marshall Rule Contestants (In Memorium)
RIP Video Hip Hop Vixens. We really (REALLY) never knew you:
3 – Elizabeth Loaiza, Olivia Munn, and Carla Ossa
Yes, we Exec Decision’d Zoe “HBCU” Saldana out of the tourney. Start a riot and see if I care.
Actress – 12 (Last round 29)
Model – 19 (32)
2016 Presidential Contestants – 0
Athlete – 1 (1)
Singer – 0 (1)
Adult Film Stars – 0 (this number almost forced the Miss 500 Committee to cancel this year’s tournament)
Emma Watson’s – 0 (1)
Blonde – 18 (Last round 31)
Brunette – 11 (19)
Dark – 3 (11)
Red – 0 (3)
Unbelievable. For the second year in a row, we have another Red(head) Wedding. What is wrong with all of you? No pornstars and now no reds? Just because neither have souls doesn’t mean you have to ruin the fun for the rest of us! Also, your annual “THE BLONDES ARE IN TROUBLE” news alert.
Round 1 Results and Dirty 32 Voting!
Voting for the Dirty 32 begins THURSDAY, 7 May at 9:30am Eastern. Happy Google-ing!