The blondes have it! Our very first, and you never forget your first. Then again, we’re still waiting for an American Miss 500, but today isn’t the time for jingoism. That’s every other day. Instead, without further ado, The 500 Section would like to congratulate the winner of the 2015 Miss 500 Tournament…
Miss Candice Swanepoel
As always, let’s break this down Buzzfeed style. Our top 10 favorite Candice facts!
So do I, Marilyn, so do I. Ladies and Gentlemen, we’re here. The final resting place for weeks of banter, debate, homicide, and hate crimes. Welcome to Baltimore…
Meanwhile, we have our 2015 Miss 500 Finalists! In case you wanted some bias built in (and you know WE do), meet your Chick-Fil-A Challenge contestants: Valeria for Candice Swanepoel and Charles for Margot Robbie. Somewhere in a jungle in Guatemala, Señor Robles is screaming at the torture of his beloved Columbian losing so close to the finals. Or he’s being tortured by paramilitaries. Probably the latter (cue a flock of birds flying above a jungle canopy…).
We covered the advanced metrics of our two lovely finalists during our Fornicating Four preview, so we’ll just get give each a video shout out (you got me, it’s because it’s Friday and I’m lazy), followed by our annual awards and, of course, the voting.
So we could’ve gone with some Maxim or SI swimsuit shoot video, but we’re above such petty, superficial exercises here at The 500 (everyone reading that sentence right now). Instead, how about Candice being interviewed by some online lifestyle blog for some intentional and LOTS of unintentional humor. A running diary…
Today, 14 May, is Georgia Salpa’s birthday. A 2013 and 2015 Miss 500 Contestant, she turns the ripe age of 30. Other notable birthdays today: George Lucas, Rob Gronkowski, Mark Zuckerberg, Clay Matthews, Cate Blanchett, and Clay Matthews. Talk about a party!
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, “Awwww, I wish my friends were here.”
And then there were four. Never in the long, tumultuous history of the Miss 500 Tournament has a fair haired maiden taken home the Chick Fil A gift card. Well that dark haired era is coming to a close. As of noon, 13 May, Kate French of The L Word, One Tree Hill and….Accepted? fame was holding down the fort for brunettes around the world. (Editor’s Note: Next year a ginger is winning. It’ll be conducted under 1933 German Reichstag election conditions if need be). Kate lost. A blonde will win. It was just a little over a year ago that this very site was RIP-ing blondes. We stand corrected, much to the happiness and joy of men everywhere not voting in this thing. And they said universal suffrage for Miss 500 was going to be a bad thing! Then again, we almost got Kendrick’d.
*EDITORS NOTE: If you want to see the Sultry 16 Results, scroll down half way. If you want to just VOTE, scroll down to the near the bottom. If you want adult entertainment…call Austin*
When I’m gone, when I’m gone You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone You’re gonna miss me by my hair You’re gonna miss me everywhere, oh You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone
– Anna Kendrick Lamar
Anna Kendrick has fallen! Much like how the PATRIOT Act and Jack Bauer work, we’ll never know how close we all came to ACTUAL disaster. Nothing but love to Miss Pitch Perfect and we’re really gonna miss you when you’re gone, but you had to be gone first. And Katrina Bowden made sure of that with a late 2nd half surge. Thanks for coming Anna.
BUT we wouldn’t send off quite possibly our funniest contestant without a dip into her fantastic Twitter feed that has produced these gems:
On 11 May 1867, Luxembourg gained its independence. Despite being a national mix of French and German cultures, aka the Sugar and Spice combo of women, this small nation state of little over half a million people had little to offer when Google-ing “beautiful Luxembourg women”. Still, when your per capita income is about $93,000, who needs looks.
The greatest irony of the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament is that most fans interest peaks during the early rounds, only to fall off as the quality of the games increases along the way. Despite most college ball fans adamantly showcasing the game’s purist version of the competition relative to professional versions, March Madness has tilted more towards entertainment than sporting event. While college football continues to suffer through debate after debate as to how to crown The Best Team, college basketball has figured out a more efficient process through The Tourney. Yet, most fans don’t watch or even care who is eventually crowed the National Champion. Fans watch to be entertained, not to find out who is the best. Its a Sports Republican’s worst nightmare. And so, upsets garner attention and following. LSU in 1986, George Mason in 2006, VCU in 2011, hell the entire 2011 tournament. People seem to remember these Cinderella stories even though no 9 seed or lower has ever won a national title. When the last net is cut down, it winds up being a jersey we’ve seen before or expected to climb the 64 team high mountain.
And Miss 500 is not immune to such races against midnight voting deadlines before our favorite ladies turn into pumpkins themselves. Every year, despite hours of blood, sweat, tears, more blood, and more alcohol induced sweat suffered during the Miss 500 draft, initial seedings only say so much when raising hands among friends. Once a voter is hidden behind their home computer curtain, they become their own Wizard of Oz. Underdogs become juggernauts. For years, the Emma Watson factor has always struck fear into the hearts and DDs for Maxim blondes everywhere. This year, Emma the Immortal became Emma the Muggle with a first round exit. In her stead, Miss Anna “Every Guy Thinks I’m So Attainable” Kendrick has dutifully filled the role. Eight of the sixteen contestants in the 2015 Sultry 16 have upset a higher seed. If Cinderellas can dance, then this year’s Miss 500 is going to be crazier than that rave in that Matrix movie.
We’ve been drafting and voting long enough now that we start to see trends in our favorite, only to fall early and unknowns only to become household names contestants. To help get an idea of who’s who, let’s do our best Miss 500 – NCAA Team comps!