We have come a long way since the draft. In fact, I’m still not completely sure what happened that night. But when I awoke some morning after that, I was assured that all had been right with the universe. Names such as Upton, Decker, Brie, and Munn were safely in the driver seats to take home a lucky $10 Chick Fil A gift card. Oh what a difference 3 weeks and too many Fireball shots makes.
I would first like to apologize for the delay in results tabulations and polling. That’s what 24 hours in Delaware will do to you. On to the contestants!
As we now should all know, Guck’s expertise with the EPL isn’t really due to a love for Liverpool, or even soccer (the Half Asian still stands by his position that there’s no way you can be a true EPL fan unless you’re British. It’s like trying to be a true Republican while being non-White). Instead, he, like the rest of us, does it for The WAGs. Usually I’d let the drafter speak on behalf of his contestant to make the case as to why she’s Miss 500 material, but given the fact that Miss Parson’s is from the British Isles, I’ll let her do the talking.
Officially, when not playing GF to Belgian, Arsenal defenders, she utilizes her dearth of skills as a personality on the Telly. Most recently, she’s been a much easier on the eyes Ashton Kutcher for a UK BBC3 prank show called “The Real Hustle”.
But let’s be serious, if Polly Parsons told me to run through the halls of Buckingham naked, I’d oblige.
And really, besides having the visual chops to make it on TV, she’s an outgoing, funny, and engaging gal that we’d all like to hang out with. And did I mention the accent? Here is a quick rundown on best accents matched up with ladies (when speaking English):
2) French (also the WORST accent for dudes when speaking English)
5) South African
T-6) Italian and Russian
So yes, Polly Parsons, your Google Image page might be impressive and we know your eyes are up there, but don’t worry, we’re really just paying attention to lovely liquid gold that’s pouring into our earballs.
Then again, there is this…
Number One Reason to vote for Genesis? So that Guck won’t win. Then again, we’re changing the prizes to a pound of bacon or a signed picture of The Pope, so win-win.
Other than that, Genesis is practically what the USA is gonna look like in 40 years. And we’re still hung up on immigration reform? A Miami native, Genesis really is the beginning of all things living in that she brings 7 days worth of looks, glamor, acting skills, humor, and “Latin flair”. She can go toe to toe on late night…
Or making us melt with her Gillette commercial abilities…in Spanish!
…or just being Genesis
Miss 500 Awards
Ginger Belt – Kate Mara
Blonde Belt – Jennifer Lawrence
Brunette Belt – Polly Parsons
European Belt – Polly Parsons
Connor Marshall Award – Genesis Rodriguez
Best at the Beach (best model/who you most want to see in a swimsuit) – Erin Heatherton
Best at the Ball (most classy/who you most likely see on an E runway) – Jennifer Lawrence
Most Talented (whose professional career trumps all) – Jennifer Lawrence
Most “Talented” (who you would want to “trump” over all) – Polly Parsons
Best Eyes (best eyes) – Alison Brie
Dirty and Over Thirty (looking at you Olivia Munn!) – Polly Parsons
Best Wife (Who are you bringing home to mother) – Jennifer Lawrence
Best GF (Who shouldn’t be your kids’ mother) – Alison Brie
Best One Night Stand (Who are you making a mother) – Polly Parsons
Half Asian Sports Guy’s Take
(Semi)Official Championship Odds
-Genesis Rodriguez (-4.5) vs. Polly Parsons
Also, if you happened to have laid down some bets at The 500 Casino back before the Sultry 16, you would have gotten these odds: Genesis Rodriguez +900 and The Field +2500. Good luck collecting, b&tches.
Polls close at 1pm Eastern, Tuesday 20 May!