Ladies and Gentlemen (and especially ladies because you’re probably the reason we’re with this quad)…you’re 2014 Miss 500 Fornicating Four.
It took some massive GOTV effort on the 500’s part, but with an all-time high turnout of 25 votes case in each poll, we finally eked out a semi-final. The battle between Mila Kunis and Genesis Rodriguez for this year’s “Racially Ambiguous” match up extravaganza ended in a 13-12 victory, thanks in part to the West Coast (read: LATINO!!!) vote influx late into the night. Gracias.
To note, there has only been ONE 1,1,2,2 NCAA Final Four seeding, occurring in 2007. Florida eventually locked up its 2nd title in a row over Ohio State (RIP Greg Oden), Georgetown (RIP Roy Hibbert), and UCLA (RIP…Darren Collison?)
Now, let’s get to know our contestants a little better:
Full Name: Jennifer Shrader Lawrence
Nickname: J Law
Place of Birth: Louisville, Kentucky
Height/Weight: 5’9″ and 139 lbs
Specs: 34-26-36; 32C
Relationship Status: Dating Nicholas Hoult (co-star in X-Men movies)
Most Recent Career Achievement(s): 2013 Academy Award Winner for Best Supporting Actress; Star of boondoggle franchise The Hunger Games; voted FHM Sexiest Woman in 2014
Special Talent: Helped bring at least 2.2 million adolescent teens into adulthood the past 3 years
Fun Facts: Has a pet cat named Shadow; Favorite Shows are Gossip Girl and Family Guy; Favorite Song is “Everywhere” by Michelle Branch
Total 2014 Tournament Votes: 55
Full Name: Polly Frances Parsons
Place of Birth: Bristol, England
Height/Weight: 5’4″ and 112 lbs
Specs: N/A (but we can guess is somewhere between awesome and fantastic)
Relationship Status: Dating Thomas Vermaelen (Arsenal captain and Belgian footballer); but he might lose his captainship soon, so maybe she’s next?
Most Recent Career Achievement(s): Presenter on BBC3’s The Real Hustle
Special Talent: Other than being a great WAG, the inspiration for this wonderful Facebook Fan Page
Fun Facts: Has three pet dogs, all papillons; enjoys playing badminton and field hockey
Total 2014 Tournament Votes: 58
Full Name: Génesis Rodríguez Pérez
Place of Birth: Miami, FL
Height/Weight: 5’7″ and 114 lbs
Specs: 34-24-34; 34D
Relationship Status: Was rumored to have been dating Fast and Furious star Paul Walker, until, you know, not. We’ll put Single/In Mourning for now.
Most Recent Career Achievement(s): Telemundo melodrama star, including 230 episodes on Dona Barbara; costarred in Identity Thief and starred in Casa de Mi Padre with Will Farrell
Special Talent: This YouTube video helps
Fun Facts: Is of Cuban and Venezuelan decent; Miami Heat fan; favorite TV show is The Office
Total 2014 Tournament Votes: 50
Full Name: Alison Brie Schermerhorn
Nickname: “Nerd Goddess” as awarded by The 500
Place of Birth: Hollywood, CA
Height/Weight: 5’2″ and 110 lbs
Specs: 32-24-32; 32C
Relationship Status: Dating Dave Franco (James’s little bro), which pretty much proves there is no god.
Most Recent Career Achievement(s): Star on Community (RIP) and appearances on Mad Men. Also a fantastic cameo for these Smirnoff ads with Parks and Rec star Adam Scott
Special Talent: Came up with this joke…
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads, “Cheese sandwich $3.50. Chicken sandwich $4.50. Handjob $5.” He checks his wallet and calls over the waitress. He asks, “Are you the one who does the handjob?”
She smiles at him seductively and says, “I am.”
He says, “Well, wash your friggin’ hands. I want a cheese sandwich.”
Also, did this Esquire shoot
Fun Facts: Is of Jewish, Dutch, Scotch and Irish decent; favorite number is 38; favorite animal is a giraffe; is a yoga nut; favorite movie is The Princess Bride; lifelong 49ers fan (favorite player: Frank Gore)
Total 2014 Tournament Votes: 54
So there you have it. Our own fantastic four. Just a couple of other notes before we move on to the polling:
– The Half Asian Sports Guy‘s gambling picks went 3.5 for 4 (including both underdogs!). We say 3.5 because he missed the Alison Brie (-6.5) by half a point. And since he owns the 500 Casino, we’ll give it to him.
– Your Chick Fil A Challenge (Sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign) is down to Guck (Alison Brie and Polly Parsons), Conor (JLaw) and the Half Asian (Genesis).
– Our 2014 Miss 500 Superlatives will be announced during the Championship Preview
Fornicating Four Voting
Polls will open on Thursday, 15 May at 10am Eastern and will close on Friday, 16 May at 10am Eastern
Check back here for the link!