The following post is dedicated to: #BringBackOurGirls
First off, I want to tell you all good luck, we’re all counting on you. Second, I want to tell you all to go f&*k yourselves.
For the first time in Miss 500 History (and what a long, illustrious one at that), we have made it to the Erotic Eight and there are NO models in the field. None. Not even a Kate Upton in sight. Six models came in and all stumbled off the runway. Here is a written montage (a la the Oscars in memoriam segment) for our fallen heroines:
Erin Heatherton: I almost pulled a Bush v. Gore for Erin Heatheron, that’s how serious it got.
Kate Upton: Miss 500 “She Drinks her Milk” Award Winner (Sponsored by Energizer D Batteries)
Alana Blanchard: She’s actually a professional athlete (surfer) and still couldn’t make it!
Lena Gercke: Uber Alles 😦
Natasha Barnard: Not my favorite South African (see F. W. de Klerk), but a good representative of the minorty majority
Adriana Lima: And this is AFTER I told you she’s single?!?!?!
Arianny Celeste: After taking out Lily Carter aka Future Mrs. Mik Bodnar #3, I’m fine with this loss
…then again, maybe this is what is supposed to happen?
The ongoing and never to end debate surrounding this journey is what exactly is the criteria for a Miss 500? As quoted before, one long time voter and 500 Section co-founder (aka my Winklewoss) once said “We v0te for the women.” That pretty much sufficed my MO for this whole thing, but yet some people need to drill deeper (…). Maybe there’s a life lesson here where just looking pretty and making an SI swimsuit shoot isn’t enough these days. Hell, why does the SI swimsuit edition even exist anymore when we have, you know, the internet.
Nonetheless, I won’t let these hard working, under nourished, over coked, and soon to be unemployed women go down without a fight. And where better to turn than a tribute to my favorite BRAVO channel binge: America’s Next Top Model.
Here are some Half Asian Sport Guy’s thoughts on ANTM:
– Nicole Linkletter, hands down, will forever be the BEST ANTM winner
– The “Makeover” and “Go-Sees” episodes are hands down the most exciting episodes of every season
– Cape Town, London and Sydney were the best Destinations…Tokyo and Maui the worst
– The over/under number for number of contestants that have slept with Nigel: 52
– I still have nightmares of Allison (Cycle 11) and her eyes
– Odds for a Miss J vs. Jay Manuel “Who would win in a fight?”: Jay Manuel (-400) vs. Miss J (+250)
– But seriously, if we send out another satellite past the solar system and have to have some sort of pictoral to represent the word “cute” for alien life, how is Nicole Linkletter NOT that epitome?
– The ANTM: British Invasion was probably the dumbest season concept…until ANTM: College Invasion
Judges Power Rankings
1. Miss J
2. Paulina Porizkova (JILF)
ANTM Contestant Superlatives
Best Winner Ever: Nicole Linkletter (Cycle 5; honorary member of the Miss 500 Hall of Fame)
Most Crazy: Angela Preston (Cycle 14)
Most Overrated: Ann Ward (Cycle 15)
Most Normal (and didn’t need to be on this show): CariDee English (Cycle 7)
Most Improved: Lisa (Cyle 6 and Cyle 17 – All Stars Winner)
Best Season: Cycle 13 (Helloooooo 5’7″ and under!)
Half Asian’s Favorites That Shoulda Won: Kari (Cycle 6), Erin (Cycle 13) and Brittany (Cycle 8)
Best Judge: Miss J (obviously)
Worst Judge: Janice Dickinson
Best Makeovers: Brittani (Cycle 16; even if it was long to short hair); Whitney (Cycle 10) and Joanie (Cylce 6)
Worst Makeovers: Cassandra (Cycle 5), Jenah (Cycle 9), Sara (Cycle 15)
Best ANTM Spinoff: Germany’s Next Top Model (For the models) and Britain’s Next Top Model (For the insanity)
Best ANTM Moments
If you’ve got 10 minutes to blow
Anyways, if you’re a dude and you’ve gotten this far, I commend you. Just know, as always, the Mik Theory on Women #122 “All Women Hate All Other Women” is always (ALWAYS!) in play.
As always, your round round-up
– Our Double D Digit Winners:
(2) Genesis Rodriguez vs. (3) Arianny Celeste: 13-5
(1) Alison Brie vs. (4) Olivia Wilde: 13-5
Just the (Buzzer Beater) Tip!
(3) Erin Heatherton vs. (7) Margot Robbie: 10-8
(2) Kate Mara vs. (5) Alana Blanchard: 10-8
Bottom or Top? Your Upset Specials!
Of the Erotic Eight, all seeds are 1 or 2 except for one lone Wolf
(7) Margot Robbie
Mandatory “The Leauge” Break
Chick Fil A Challenge (Sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign)
Guck – 2
Dooley – 1
Charles – 1
Half Asian – 1
Mike – 1
Kyle – 1
Conor – 1
Commonwealth or Bust
American – 6
British – 1
Australia – 1
Columbian, Slovenia, Portuguese, Afghan, New Zealand, Czech, Canadian, Israeli, South African, Brazilian, and German
Conor Marshall Rule Contestants (In Memorium)
The “Does Olivia Munn come under Conor Marshall Rule jurisdiction?” is going to be one hell of a 500 Section Supreme Court Case
2 – Olivia Munn and Genesis Rodriguez
Model – 0
Singer – 0
Actress – 7
Girlfriend/zero actual life accomplishment – 0 (Blake Bortles > Johnny College Football)
Surfer – 0
Skier – 0
Human Rights Lawyers – 0
TV Personalities – 1
Emma Watson’s – 0
Adult Performer – 0 (always GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR)
Republican Congresswomen – 0
Wayne Gretzky Daugthers – 0
Blonde – 2
Brunette – 3
Redhead – 1 (KEEP HOLDING THE LINE KATE MARA…HOLD THE LINE!!!!!!!!)
Dark – 2
Really Sh%$ty Faux Blonde Job – 0 (Blake Bortles > Johnny College Football)
Awaiting test result submissions from all contestants
Half Asian Sports Guy’s Take
Half Asian’s Picks for the Erotic Eight (Home Contestant in caps)
Parsons (+4) vs. MUNN
LAWRENCE (-3.5) vs. Mara
Rodriguez (+5) vs. KUNIS
BRIE (-6.5) vs. Robbie
Erotic Eight Voting
Polls will open at noon Eastern on Monday, 12 May and close at noon Eastern on Tuesday, 13 May.