2014 Miss 500 Dirty 32 Roundup – Mellow Yellow

Blonde Maze

2014 Miss 500 – Dirty 32 Results


When Kate Bock decided to call it quits in Round One, we weren’t worried.  We get it, in the triangle of CUTE-HOT-BEAUTIFUL, she covers all three corners.  I mean!  Why would she continue on!  (Who got a whiff of the bitter).

Suddenly, only one round later, household names like Katrina, Erin and Brooklyn were coming under fire.  And I don’t mean GOP moderates coming under Tea Party fire, I mean like we’re talking Vietnam era monk kinda of fire.  Some of us in real life aren’t partial to blondes (this writer included), but we still respect.  And then there are the Teven Tailey’s of the world (Eyes Wide Shut rules in play; no real names).  To them, the gift of blondeness isn’t just a better meal, its a better life ($5 to who get’s that quote).  Maybe if this were the Miss Sweden 500, things would be different, but there’s definitely something in the voting water.

What we’ve learned is that this isn’t your regular SI Swimsuit voting bloc.  We’re down to only 7 fair haired ladies with initial title contenders Kate Bock, Katrina Bowden and Brooklyn Decker making their way to the exits before the Sultry 16.  At least these betches were actual blondes (looking at you every girl that’s had to deal with “roots”).  So Kate Upton and Lena Gercke, there is a lot riding on you.  Time is definitely running out on this category that makes so many 13 year old boys into men and so many 13 year old girls into what keep fathers up at night.  And if you lose, it’s ok, we’ll always have you Leffe…



Women Suffrage

The Man Show – End Women’s Suffrage

(Fast Forward to minute 14:00)

When you’re a 12 year old boy watching a show mainly because the words “girls jumping on trampolines” and the internet is still in the GeoCities era, you tend to pick up a lot of life lessons rather quickly.  So when The Man Show’s hosts, Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla, put on this amazing and one for the ages skit playing on people’s inability to grasp the nuances of the English language, you can imagine the effect on this kid’s formative years.  Humor was never the same (or safe) again.

But we’ve come a long way from joking about how men AND women are naive and stupid to a point where we’ve made the most naive and stupid decision of all: universal suffrage.

I kid! I kid!  In fact, voting is up this year and a major factor is that our voting pool suddenly plunged into the deep end (heyo).  So let’s Nate Silver the breakdown of voting demographics.

– For the first two rounds, vote totals have been around 19 votes for each match-up.

– The total known voting pool is about 29 voters.  And yes, I’m looking at you 10 voters that haven’t shown up to the polls!

– Of those 29, it breaks down about 21 male and 8 female.

– Data proves that women have voted at about 7 out of 8 of the females have voted consistently, meaning of the 19 votes cast, women have accounted for about 37% of the vote.

– While men still make up a majority of the voting bloc, participation rates are another story.  Women are voting at about 88% participation, while men are coming out (non Jason Collins style) at about 57%.

So, for a contest completely dedicated to choosing which woman we want to fawn over the most, its really the ladies that are showing the greatest interest.  Then again, the Mik Bodnar-Bill Simmons theory that “All Women Hate All Other Women” is definitely in play.  Please remember this post when I’m publishing this joint Sociology-Political Science thesis at Cambridge.

As always, your round round-up

Blow(out) Jobs

– Our Double D Digit Winners:

(2) Polly Parsons vs. (7) Gwendoline Taylor:  16-2

(1) Mila Kunis vs. (9) Ashley Benson: 14-4

(7) Margot Robbie vs. (15) Aubrey Plaza: 14-4

The Cinderella loses her shoe 😦

(4) Olivia Wilde vs. (5) Brooklyn Decker: 14-4

Pouring out a Fourty four Brooklyn…you fools

Just the (Buzzer Beater) Tip!

(11) Lena Gercke vs. (3) Nina Agdal: 10-9 OT

This one went to the Ties, Ways and Means Committee where The Commish pulled rank and vetoed their decision.  DEUTSCHLAND FOREVER!

(1) Alison Brie vs. (9) Katrina Bowden: 8-9

Somewhere, a red CRV is careening off I66

Mandatory send off to Katrina Bowden’s bangs…

Bottom or Top? Your Upset Specials!

Your Dirty 32 upsets:

We have only one contestant left that’s lower than a 7 seed

(5) Kate Upton

(11) Lena Gercke

Mandatory “Louis CK” Break

Chick Fil A Challenge (Sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign)

Scotty Z, Evan and Ryan have gone the way of Malaysian 370.

Dooley – 3

Bailey – 2

Charles – 2

Hart – 2

Guck – 2

Schroll – 1

Half Asian – 1

Mike – 1

Kyle – 1

Conor – 1


Oh Canada 😦

American – 11

British – 1

South African – 1

Brazilian – 1

Australia – 1

German – 1

The Crimea’d:

Columbian, Slovenia, Portuguese, Afghan, New Zealand, Czech, Canadian, Israeli,

Conor Marshall Rule Contestants (In Memorium)

We only lost Aubrey Plaza.  And really, she’s less ethnic than Panda Express, so kinda didn’t count

4 – Olivia Munn, Genesis Rodriguez, Arianny Celeste, and Adriana Lima


Model – 6

Singer – 0

Actress – 8

Girlfriend/zero actual life accomplishment – 0 (Blake Bortles is definitely getting a new GF after last night)

Surfer – 1

Skier – 0

Human Rights Lawyers – 0

TV Personalities – 1

Emma Watson’s – 0

Adult Performer – 0 (Stilll GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR)

Republican Congresswomen – 0

Wayne Gretzky Daugthers – 0

Hair Color

Blonde – 7

Brunette – 6 (we lost half the brunettes.  god save us all)


Dark – 2

Really Sh%$ty Faux Blonde Job – 0 (Blake Bortles is definitely getting a new GF after last night)


Awaiting test result submissions from all contestants

Half Asian Sports Guy’s Take

(Semi) Official Sports Book Odds on the Sultry 16

Olivia Munn -400

Olivia Wilde -100

Jennifer Lawrence +100

Kate Upton +150

Adriana Lima +350

Mila Kunis +500

Erin Heatherton +750

Genesis Rodriguez +900

The Field +2500

Erotic Eight Voting

After 3 seconds of thinking, we realized why stop this train when we’re just about to pull out (heyo) of the station.  Let the voting continue!

Polls will open the afternoon of Friday, 9 May at 3pm Eastern and continue on until 10am Monday, 12 May.

2014 Miss 500 – Sultry 16 Polls Now Open!




Leave a comment

Filed under Miss 500, Pop Culture

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s