2014 Miss 500 Tournament

Woman Sillouette

2014 Miss 500 – Opening Bracket

Third times a charm.  Back in April of 2012 we didn’t know that things like a President Romney, constant passenger aircraft tracking and feeling safe on Game of Thrones were just follies.  But one thing was certain: 20 something year old guys could judge the hell out of women (with only a hint of remorse).

Fast forward to 2014.  The Miss 500 Tournament has come a long way.  Our draft Constitution has made more beneficial alterations and needed updates than our nation’s founding document.  Technology has allowed us to vote AND drink thousands of miles and continents apart.  And for the first time, women were able to participate on the other side of the Google search.  And yes, Matty G is still a practicing whatever it is he practices.

I would write more about the spirit of femininity being an underutilized societal force that if implemented further would fashion a more productive blah blah blah.  Instead, to keep you entertained before voting, here’s a quick rundown of our 64 contestants:

Chick Fil A Challenge (Sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign)

The following drafters still have all 6 of their selections in the running:

Dooley, Mike, Mik, Hart and Charles

Unfortunately, along with his rule, Conor Marshall has already lost 3 contestants 😦


– We’re actually down from 38 Americans last year.  Then again, we shut out all of east Asia.  The 2032 Miss 500, held in the global capital of Beijing, will frown upon this.

American – 35

British – 9

Canadian – 6

South African – 2

Israeli – 2

Brazilian – 2

Slovenia – 1

Portuguese – 1

Australia – 1

German – 1

Danish – 1

Czech – 1

Afghan – 1

New Zealand – 1

Conor Marshall Rule Contestants (In Memorium)

Even if no longer legally mandated, the following women must still bring Voter ID cards to over half the states:

10 – Olivia Munn, Genesis Rodriguez, Arianny Celeste, Adriana Lima, Gabriela Dias, Annet Mahendru, Beyonce, Aubrey Plaza, Lauren London, and Hannah Simone.


Model – 19

Singer – 1

Actress – 36

Girlfriend/zero actual life accomplishment – 1 (here’s to you Lindsey Duke aka Blake Bortles GF!)

Surfer – 1

Skier – 1

Human Rights Lawyers – 0

TV Personalities – 1

Emma Watson’s – 1

Adult Performer – 3

Republican Congresswomen – 0

Wayne Gretzky Daugthers – 1

Hair Color

Blonde – 22

Brunette – 31 (as we all remember last year, brunettes don’t fare well in Round 1s)

Redhead – 6 (one day this will hit double digits and my work will be done)

Dark – 5

Really Sh%$ty Faux Blonde Job – 1 (here’s to you Lindsey Duke aka Blake Bortles GF!)


Awaiting test result submissions from all contestants

I Need a 9 That’s Top of the Line – The Half-Asian Sports Guys Vegas Take

The 9 seeds are officially the Group of Death.  Katrian Bowden (strong dark/blonde horse candidate to make the Finals) Sara Jean Underwood (2013 Miss 500 runner-up), Ashley Benson (the current belt holder for Best Blonde that Makes You Feel Old) and Deborah Ann Woll (a redhead in a year of redheads) round out the group.  Put your money on this seeding to make a strong Fornicating Four run.

Other thoughts: Will Anna Kendrick be this year’s Emma Watson?  Did Amber Heard fall too far to a 15th (!!!) seed?  Am I the only one  excited for the Emily Ratajkowski vs. Olivia Munn regional title match up that we all know is gonna happen?  Is the Elisha Cuthbert vs. Minka Kelly round 1 match up going to end friendships?  And will the 500 Tournament Chair implement massive voter fraud to make sure Emma Stone gets to the Sultry 16? (Short Answer: Yes).

Voting will commence at 10am Eastern on Monday, Cinco de Mayo (That’s the fifth of Mayo for you non Spanish speakers) and polls will close at 3pm Eastern on Tuesday, 6 May.  Happy Google Imaging!


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Filed under Miss 500, Pop Culture

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