Miss 500 – World Cup Edition


In 2014, humanity’s greatest international endeavor will once again take place, as it does every four years.  Sides will be taken, competition will be heated, and tackles will be made.  There will be hours upon hours of inactivity followed by last second finishes.  Heroes will be made and losers will go home crying.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2014 US Mid-Term Elections!!!

I kid, I kid.  The World Cup is the spectacle of spectacles (sorry Super Bowl, Olympics-Winter and Summer, Presidential Elections-although a close 2nd, AVN Awards and prom night failures).  And this year will not be a disappointment as arguably the most crazed soccer nation in the world, Brasil, will play host.  As with all sporting events, pundits, bookies, and fans alike get to play the role of prognosticator.  As of now, the host Brazilians are the odds on favorite (3/1) to win, with the usual suspects from Argentina and Germany close behind (4/1 and 5/1 respectively) and the reigning champion Spanish coming in at 13/2.

We here at the 500 Section could sit here and join the normal chorus of comparing rosters, formations, coaching, groups of death and life, etc.  But we would not dare settle for such parsimonious activity.  As the data driven organization we are there is surely only one true objective way to determine this years best World Cup team…by rating them on female hotness!

The 500 Section’s Committee for Miss 500 -Subcommittee of Supplemental Miss 500 Activities has done the research and developed their own power rankings for this year’s 32 World Cup contestants.  Off to judging!

WARNING: Bailey Rule in effect.  NO sharing of information to wives, girlfriends, friends that are girls that are suspect, and women you are trying to impress (really guys?).  Any use of this article without the 500 Section’s express written consent is prohibited.

Big 500 thank you for all the sex fun factoids provided by the 2005 Global Sex Survey conducted by Durex, Durex, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!

Power Rankings Notes:

– The 32 countries are the 2014 world cup participants
– For consistency and time saving purposes, contestants were chosen via: 1) the 2013 Miss World contestant from each country and 2) a pick from the top results of googling “COUNTRY X model”.  This will also allow us to end the age old debate: Beauty Queen or Supermodel?
– Only some candidate tampering was involved (see: Germany and USA)
– Ratings are COMPLETELY objective and based on a multi-faceted, technical formula tested vigorously…aka the opinion of the Miss 500 Committee Chair

Miss 500 – World Cup Edition Awards:

Golden Boob: Catalina Otalvaro (Columbia) — aka the Golden Ball

Golden (Knee-High) Boot: Katsia Zingarevich (Russia) — aka Most Goals Scored

Golden (Silk) Glove: Noémie Happart (Belgium) — aka Best “Keeper/Beauty Queen”

Best Young Female: Marine Lorphelin (France) — Somehow only 20 years old

FIFA Fore-Play Trophy: Dominique Rinderknecht (Switzerland) — aka the Fair Play award; a beauty queen from Switzerland?  Doesn’t get more fair than that

Most Entertaining Team: Miranda Kerr and Erin Holland (Australia) — Because, they’re freaking Australian.  What more screams fun two Aussies of this caliber

For full results and your Miss 500 World Cup Champion, click the link below!  (I promise its not a virus.  Ok, its a virus)

Miss 500 World Cup Edition


Leave a comment

Filed under Gambling, Pop Culture, Soccer

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s