2013 Miss 500 Tournament – Final Four Roundup

SJU Portman

2013 Championship Match-Up

In the NCAA tournament, only three #5 seeds ever made it into the National Title game, ’00 Florida, ’02 Indiana, and ’10 Butler.  Each team lost to a #1 seed in that final game.  There has never been a #2 vs. #5 match up in the NCAA championship game.  Once again, the 500 Section makes history and sets the stage for two very different, and only a month ago very unlikely contenders.

This season’s Miss 500 tournament has featured a lot of newcomers, up-enders, and last second finishers (Hey. O.)  So is it really a shock that the final would pit not only two contestants that are so very different in real life, but, and more importantly, play on the differences we as group of 20-something, highly sophomoric guys have within ourselves?  The 500 has joked all along about the ultimate “Marry Her vs. Holiday Inn Express Her” debate, but after weeks of extremely close voting and final score shockers, another, more metaphysical debate seems to have manifested.  We’re all saps and chums and that means a never ending internal discourse that listens to our heart vs. our head vs. “our head”.  And it seems fitting in a culture so divisive (Obama vs. Romney, Apple vs. Android, White House Down vs. Olympus Has Fallen, BMW vs. Kia — wait, sorry that last one has never been an issue), of course that social zeitgeist would spill over into our little exercise of objectivity.  So, without further ado, the 500 Section proudly introduces this year’s finalists!

Natalie Portman

The Brunette.  Star Wars millennial fanboys dream.  Oscar recipient, as well as Golden Globe, SAG and BAFTA award winner.  Hot AND Jewish (mother would be so proud!).  Committed to her craft so much that she pulled the “I’ll shave my head for this movie” in V for Vandetta (take that Anne Hathaway!).  Democratic supporter since 2004 (if that’s your thing, and it f**king should be!).  Oh and Harvard graduate.

There’s no denying it gentlemen, but there’s a massive nerd in each and everyone one of us.  And Ms. Portman just happens to embody everything we secretly hold dear about that fact.  You don’t only want to marry a Natalie Portman, you want to go on long business trips just so that you can have a whole secret second marriage with another Natalie Portman!  Trust me, I’ve tried on all these fronts and its a lot more fun that it sounds.  And if her embodiment of the perfect woman that you want raising your kids (although you’re much more interested in the making kids process) wasn’t enough, she’s also downright cool.  Her SNL short only proved as much:

Sara Jean Underwood

The Blonde.  Playmate of the Month, July 2006.  Playmate of the Year, 2007.  Host of G4’s Attack of the Show!  She even served as a Hooters waitress in Beaverton, Oregon.  I’m not making any of that up.  Her Google Image page is like wandering the halls of the Louvre, times 657209650260262.  Its a masterpiece.  And this woman was our LAST (!!!!) selection!  MISS IRRELEVANT!

So after all that illustrious, high minded talk about SJU’s opponent (come on, I had to integrate some degree of respect into this whole thing.  I know, at this point the 500 section could solve breast cancer and we’d still be hated) its time to get at the real core of why we are all here.  Our head and heart rarely determine our life choices.  Just think of the last time you made a rational decision at Chipotle.  Never happened, right?  I mean the fact you didn’t even think twice about stuffing your face with more food than the daily dietary intake of 67% of the world’s population is a sign.  No matter how much we try to convince ourselves and others that we’d make the smart choice and go for the cute, smart, well rounded brunettes of the world, the second the hot, short, busty blonde walks our way all rationale goes out the window (take that John Nash!).

You can take the Bush out of America, but you can’t take America out of America.  Especially if that entails a hot blonde shooting automatic weapons:

So with that, polls open at 9:00am EST tomorrow, Wednesday 15 May.  Will you choose your heart, your head, or yourself?  Happy Voting!

To view the Final Four results, check out the Google Doc or the PDF below:

2013 Ms. 500 Bracket – Final Four

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Filed under Miss 500, Pop Culture

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