2013 Miss 500: Oh So Sweet 16 Roundup

Salpa Kurylenko

The longest basketball games on record both went 6 overtimes.  On 6 January 1951, the Indianapolis Olympians defeated the Rochester Royals 75-73.  But that was before the shot clock/Brown vs. Board, so that doesn’t really count.  On 12 March 2009 (and into the next morning), Syracuse and UConn went at it until the Orange pulled out a 127-117 victory.  In 1953, a Boston Celtics vs. Syracuse Nationals game lasted so long, two players logged 67+ minutes in the affair.  To put that into perspective, that’s like finished a “love cycle” with a UMW girl 67 times.

But those marathons were nothing compared to what occurred at The 500 the past 48 hours.  Georiga Salpa, the Greek-Irish small forward slasher, and Olga Kurylenko, this year’s “Miss Jan Vesely” recipient went toe-to-toe, nip-to-nip, trading baskets all the way into overtime.  With a final score of 19-17, the age old question of “Mediterranean Poverty Sultry vs. Eastern European Poverty Mystery” was answered at the wire.  Congratulations to you Ms. Salpa.

As always, your round round-up

Blow(out) Jobs

– No unanimous winners, but a couple fine set of free throws on these lucky ladies:

(2) Catrinel Menghia vs. (3) Natasha Yi:  18-5

(1) Stacey Kiebler vs. (12) Marissa Miller: 17-6

*Catrinel Menghia, the 2012 Miss 500, has outscored he opponents by 45-12.  Still, we’re all taking the over AND under (ha. ha. ha.) (…)

Just the (Buzzer Beater) Tip!

(3) Georgia Salpa vs. (2) Olga Kurylenko : 19-17

(5) Natalie Portman vs. (1) Katrina Bowden: 12-11

(5) Emma Watson vs. (12) Jennifer Lawrence: 12-11

Lucky number five.  Jennifer Lawrence may have an Oscar and America’s heart, but Emma Watson has a Lightning behind her.  Seriously, he’s right behind her with a lasso.  Run Emma, RUN!!!!!!

Bottom or Top? Your Upset Specials!

– And down goes another #1 seed, Ms. Katrina Bowden!  Chalk up another victory for brunettes/Zionists everywhere

– And Allison Brie’s FGCU cinderella story runs into Olivia Munn’s UC Irvine (no one outside of California gets this joke, but that’s unfortunate for you because you’re the one outside California).  And much like FGCU’s coaching situation (SPOILER ALERT!!!), it looks like Mrs. Pete Campbell is moving on as well.  And deservedly so.

– The Vivid Region  is still immune to such whimsies as upsets.  Our only 1-2 matchup is on to the Erotic Eight.

Your Round of 32 upsets:

(3) Georgia Salpa

(5) Natalie Portman

Mandatory “South Park” Break



America hasn’t seen this many of its own go down since  (DELETED DUE TO, WELL, BECAUSE YOU KNOW THIS JOKE WAS PROBABLY GOING TO GO A BIT TOO FAR).

…Natalie Portman is still single-handedly holding down the non-US/European spot.

American – 4

British – 1

Romanian – 1

Israeli – 1

Irish/Greek – 1


All Adult Performers are still eliminated.  The 500 Section Steering Committee is still very disappointed in all of you.  All. Of. You.

Model – 3

Singer – 0

Actress – 3

Athletes – 0

Mark Sanfords – 0

Emma Watson’s – 1

Adult Performer – 0

Current/Former members of the Lord’s Resistance Army – ???

George Clooney’s Plaything(s) – 1

Hair Color

And the blondes go down… (… […])

Blonde – 3

Brunette – 5

Redhead – 0

The Conor Marshall Contestants

(3) Olivia Munn (also the only other reason besides Will and Mac that makes The Newsroom tolerable)

Miss 500 Chick-Fil-A Challenge

Biddle, Evan, Austin, Bailey, and Charles are eliminated.  Scotty Z can smell the sweet, sweet, heterosexual chicken

Scotty Z – 2

Kyle – 1

Dooley – 1

Barnwell – 1

Matty G – 1

Mik – 1

Hollister – 1

Matches to watch in the (Oh So!) Sweet 16 – The Half-Asian Sports Guys Vegas Take

(2) Catrinel Menghia vs. (5) Natalie Portman

Catrinel’s toughest match up yet.  Prediction: Catrinel Menghia – 10 vs. Natalie Portman – 9

(1) Stacey Kiebler vs. (3) Georgia Salpa

Fatigue catches up with Ms. Salpa.   Prediction: Stacey Kiebler – 12 vs. Olivia Munn – 7

(5) Emma Watson vs. (3) Olivia Munn

The Ultimate “Hot-Cute” Match up:  Prediction: Emma Watson – 11 vs. Olivia Munn – 8

(1) Brooklyn Decker vs. (2) Sara Jean Underwood

Somewhere, a Steven Bailey is doing his best King Soloman impersonation.  Prediction: Brooklyn Decker – 10 vs. Sara Jean Underwood – 9

Oh So Sweet 16 results are in the bracket below and in the Google Doc that you all should have access to:

2013 Ms. 500 Bracket – Sweet 16 Results


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Filed under Miss 500, Pop Culture

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