2013 Miss 500 Tournament – Round 1 Roundup

Brie Upton

“Against All Odds”

This week featured an upset over the Moral Majority, crazy christian community, and lots of people named “Romney”.  Jason Collins, 12 year veteran NBA center and all around great human being, became the first active athlete in a major North American professional sport to come out.  Big win for the LGBT community, civil rights, justice, America, Jason Collins, and the balance of the universe.  One can only imagine the odds and pressure he faced in making this decision, but thankfully it seems that our current society’s acceptance with this issue is slowly turning towards the good.  For him to make this decision even during the 2008 election would probably have received enough backlash to buckle his knees faster than Greg Oden’s (too soon).  So congratulations to you Jason Collins for looking the insurmountable odds straight in the eyes and taking the bull by the horns.

Meanwhile, at the 500 Section, our own against the odds situation play out right before our office computer screens.  Kate Upton is your All-American blonde from the mid-west.  She epitomizes apple pie, fourth of Julys, and “large budget deficits”, all American pastimes and foundations of the Republic.  But in the words of Matt Dillon Bob Dylan, the times, they are a-changin’.  Sultry brunettes from the coast (in this case the one near Los Angeles) are making their inroads into America’s millennial XY possessors’ hearts.  In this year’s tournament, 37 out of the 64 contestants are of the darker hair variety (at least upstairs).  Now that’s probably less than the base population of the US, but for the purposes of Maxim-esque sample sizes, this was a move in a direction, whether right or wrong.  In any case, our Florida Gulf Coast University moment occurred with Alison Brie’s 8-6 victory over Kate Upton.  Loss for the old America and a pronounced “here I am” victory for the new!

As always, a breakdown of the results and what lies ahead:

Blow(out) Jobs

– No unanimous winners in round one.  But we were blessed with 3 blowout wins:

(2) Catrinel Menghia vs. (15) Nazanin Boniadi:  13-2

(3) Olivia Munn vs. (14) Ruby Knox: 11-2

(12) Adriana Lima vs. (5) Anahi: 12-3

Just the (Buzzer Beater) Tip!

(9) Faye Reagan vs. (8) Yolanthe Cabau van Asperger III: 8-7

(10) Christina Hendricks vs. (7) Freida Pinto: 8-7

(2) Sara Jean Underwood vs. (15) Mila Kunis: 9-8

(6) Kate Beckinsale vs. (11) Arianny Celeste: 8-7

(13) Hayden Panetierre vs. (4) Alessandra Ambrosio: 8-7

(9) Maggie Grace vs. (8) Amber Heard: 8-7

(12) Marisa Miller vs. (5) Denise Milani: 8-7

Bottom or Top? Your Upset Specials!

The Hooters Region was upset heaven with 3 out of 8 winners coming from underneath

(15) Alison Brie

(13) Hayden Panetierre,

(12) Adriana Lima

(12) Marisa Miller

(11) Gal Gadot

(10) Christina Hendricks

(10) Blake Lively

(9) Maggie Grace

(9) Faye Reagan

Mandatory “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” Break



American – 20

British – 3

Israeli – 2

Brazilian – 1

Irish/Greek – 1

Ukrainian – 1

Romanian – 1

South African – 1

Czech – 1

Columbian – 1


Model – 12

Singer – 0

Actress – 16

Athletes – 1

Nebraska State Senators – 0

Emma Watson’s – 1

Adult Performer – 1

Undocumented Workers – ???

George Clooney’s Plaything(s) – 1

Hair Color

And the blondes make a comeback!  Except, you know, Kate Upton 😦

Blonde – 14

Brunette – 15

Redhead – 3

Miss 500 Chick-Fil-A Challenge

Dooley – 4

Bailey – 4

Biddle – 4

Barnwell – 3

Austin – 3

Matty G – 2

Mik – 2

Schroll – 2

Kyle – 2

Scotty Z – 2

Charles – 2

Sam – 1

Hollister – 1

Evan – 1

Matches to watch in the (Oh So!) Sweet 16 – The Half-Asian Sports Guys Vegas Take

(7) Veronica Varekova vs. (15) Alison Brie

Alison Brie is turning into a tour de force, but what about her next opponent?  Veronica Varekova is one of only 2 continental Europeans left in the tournament (I am very disappointed in all of you.  ALL of you…Go Germany.) and represents the all too diamond in a bunch of diamonds Czech Republic.  Yes, she’s blonde and has the goods, but so did Miss Upton.  This one might be another slugfest.

(4) Scarlett Johansson vs. (12) Adriana Lima

This a classic “I’d marry Girl A but spent a good $87 at the local Holiday Inn Express for a night  and then the free breakfast afterwards with Girl B” match-up.

(4) Catalina Otalvaro vs. (5) Emma Watson

This might be Miss Watson’s biggest challenge since Mike Hollister waited outside her house in a windowless van for 51 hours and she needed to go to the store for some milk.  She understood the implication…

(5) Natalie Portman vs. (13) Hayden Panetierre

How the f**k did Hayden Panetierre make it here??

Round One results are in the bracket below and in the Google Doc that you all should have access to:

2013 Ms. 500 Bracket - Rnd 1 Results



Filed under Miss 500, Pop Culture

2 responses to “2013 Miss 500 Tournament – Round 1 Roundup

  1. Anonymous

    i’d like a recount on Underwood v. Kunis

  2. You’ll get your recount when Gore gets his!

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