[Photo courtesy of Getty Images]
Although our good friend Cousin Sal, aka “The Cousin”, of Jimmy Kimmel Live, Grantland, and BS Report fame, throws up his own prop bet column, knowing the gambling history between him and Mr. Simmons, it would be wiser to place our gambling advice in the hands of a 14th century Catholic nun. For those of you that don’t know, prop bets are gambling opportunities you can place on specific player, event, and statistical occurrences that happen within a particular game or across games. While the overall team picking bets are obviously the most popular form of redistributing wealth to bookies this side of the soccer world, prop bets take an especially acute ability to the best and the worst of each players ability to compete at the game of football. Prob bets are courtesy of our usual offshore betting friend, Bovada, while the fake ones are courtesy of the 500 Section Gambling Committee. Without further Freddy Adu…
Who will be benched first (non-injury related)?
Ryan Tannehill (MIA) QB +500
Brandon Weeden (CLE) QB +125
Russel Wilson (SEA) QB -125
Who said college stats were meaningless! Brandon Weeden’s final two season at Oklahoma State entailed 4000+ yard and 30+ TD campaigns, but that didn’t stop the first AARP rookie QB from proving to the world that all those defenses he threw against prior to the Philadelphia Eagles were really just players with the athletic ability of a DC mall softball team. His 12/35, 4 INT, 5.1 QB rating stat line is all you need to know. That and coupled with the fact that when Google-ing (sp?) Weeden, the 5 photo that comes up is his LA Dodgers image, reminding us that he has failed as a professional athlete before. Tannehill could be a better pick than +500 given that he’s playing with the QB capable Matt Moore behind him and might not care about football with his wife waiting at home (although women don’t come free, am I right or am I right?), but the Miami regime has got nothing to loose as the team overall is a mess and Tannenhill is the long term investment, so why not destroy his will to play now. And Russel Wilson was actually semi-capable last week and Pete Carroll is more of a loose canon than Mitt Romney press release mill at this point, so starting the undersized rookie makes sense for him.
The Pick: Brandon Weeden +125 (a steal!)
Kevin Kolb – Total Passing Yards Week 2
At first glance, this looks like Arizona is preparing for the NFL draft early. After looking like a 40 year old IT guy on the sideline for 3 quarters in Week 1, the former Philly staring QB came in to lead what wound up being the game winning drive, throwing 66 yards on 6/8 against an above average defense in Seattle. But we all remember the Kevin Kolb slump off the field from last season, so there’s no way that he goes into New England to start and wind up with over 250 yards, right? Well Mr. Kolb is actually known for getting his fair share of yardage in the past. Of the 9 games he started last year, he threw for over 250 in 4 of them and getting 230-249 in 3 others. That coupled with the fact that Jake Locker, future clipboard holder, threw together 229 yards last week w/o Kenny Britt and the New England defense will be playing with a 14 point lead most of this week, Kolb will be driving the garbage time truck somewhere through the mid-2nd quarter.
The Pick: Over -125
Kevin Kolb – Total Interceptions Week 2
That being said, take the over! Just because its always fun to watch an interception, but $100 more fun when laying down money to root for that interception. Remember, garbage time means lots of balls in flight (including the normal 3 over Larry Fitzgerald’s head)
The Pick: -260 o
Will Jim Harbaugh and Jim Schwartz shake hands or hug after the game? (Must be clearly seen on TV, book manager’s decision is final)
Yes – 500
No + 300
In the 24/7 sports era, this story became the worst boxing analysis ever in the history of sports. I still stand behind the fact that Jim Harbaugh was not at fault b/c this is a meaningless tradition that nobody should get bent out of shape about. That and America still wants to know what exactly Schwartz was yelling at Harbaugh to give the latter the “wtf are you saying?” face. Anyways, they’re going to kiss and make up, grin and greet, or whatever you want to call it after San Francisco wins because in this era every major organization hires million dollar PR firms to take care of this stuff, unless you’re the Romney-Ryan campaign.
The Pick: Yes -500
Number of times FOX throws up Peyton Manning stats, images, and video during the Minnesota at Indianapolis game?
– 100 o
Don’t worry Mr. Luck, your time will come and so will drafting an offensive line and running back.
The Pick: -120 u
Will the Buffalo Bills make an NFL RedZone appearance before halftime?
Ryan Fitzpatrick didn’t have a broken collarbone last season, he had a broken ability to play quarterback. Jeremy Lin, the Harvard athlete conch is officially all yours.
The Pick: No +90
NCAA Special: Total financial payout for health coverage to the first NCAA football player that almost dies on the field?
Last week’s Tulane vs. Tulsa (aka the T-Bowl!) made headlines for a very scary moment when Tulane safety Devon Walker fell to the field after a collision with a teammate with a broken neck and collapsed lung. Given the amount of attention and research coming out on concussions, long term brain damage, and permanent physical disabilities as a result of playing football, the way the game is played in 10 years might look remarkably different from what we’re watching today. That’s why the NFL Players Association made sure the league included concessions on long-term health care for retired players as a result of last year’s CBA. That being said, the NCAA cartel is living the Romney-American dream with approximately zero requirement to provide workman’s compensation or health care for the 9,000+ kids playing football at the collegiate level. Young Devon Walker’s status as a student as opposed to an employee guarantees that his family is legally on the hook (sans-voluntary compensation) for his treatment, regardless of Obama-scare. Once Scott Walker becomes NCAA President, don’t expect that to change either.
The Pick: -4,000 u