During Week 1 of the 2012 NFL Season, Mr. Ryan Fitzpatrick, formerly of the Buffalo Bills (what’s that? he’s still on the team? keep refreshing the NFL.com depth chart, I’m sure the intern just hasn’t updated it yet), graciously gave his endorsement for Matt Barkley of the USC Trojans to be Buffalo’s 2013 starting QB. And unlike the political endorsements that revolve around some pre-packaged press release or a boring speech to thousands of unintelligent supporters, Mr. Fitzpatrick promptly made his announcement by ceremoniously bestowing 3 souvenir footballs to members of the New York Jets team as an honor of their shared representation of the people of New York.
And a small note of recommendation from The 500 Section to Mr. Barkley,
Please remember to not try too hard this college football season. I know you’ve been very happy playing in front of thousands of people that have never registered for nary a night class at USC and as a young 20-something dude, I know it seems like life couldn’t get any better than being a superstar in LA. But remember, life is too short and $$$ buys you way more than the drunken co-ed passed out underneath the pile of Solo cups on the couch. Don’t be that 30-something year old dude trying to relive his college days. He just makes the rest of us cringe. Cash out son, it’s gotten Mitt Romney a screen-pass away from the White House. Just imagine all those zeros on that paycheck you’re getting from the Los Angeles Rams 2.0 in 2017 when Buffalo lets you go as a Restricted Free Agent after forgetting to slap the Franchise Tag because they’re the only NFL team still using fax machines and the phone line went dead. Have you seen Brady’s wife? Or NFL Cribs? Bit better than the dorm room and sorority chick, am I right? So, just take a dive to the turf on the blitzes, don’t roll out out of the pocket, and give a great 75% effort lobbing passes and racking up yards against defensive secondary players that are half way to their jobs at the hometown car dealership. You’ll have a great 30 years coming dude.
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