Ladies and Gentlemen, after debates, campaign ads, last second heaves, a murder or two, and multiple attempts to stuff the ballot box, the 500 Section Confectionery Committee is proud to present to you, by a blow out victory of 11-2, your 2012 Candy Champion…
(Pan to 500 Section Confectionery Committee Char Mik Bodnar slowly walking away shaking his head)
I can’t believe I forgot this one. This one comes to us by, who else, Nike, circa 2005 (or at least post the 2004 World Series title). In the small picture, its quite fitting that I dug through my sports memory bank to find this gem given the impact the Red Sox just had on my beloved Los Angeles Dodgers. But really, this commercial stands the test of time and fan-dom. During my sports formative years I never developed a love/hate relationship with the Red Sox or Yankees more than I had for any other team that wasn’t the Dodgers. In fact, this policy has been applied universally in my approach to the sports landscape. Its better to love your own fanship than despise someone else’s (and if only the 2012 GOP felt the same way about Governor Romney, but alas). DISCLAIMER: I may or may not have succumbed to violating this stance at particular times in regards to the following organizations: the New England Patriots, the San Francisco Giants, USC, and Al Qaeda.
On May 1, 2012, The Los Angeles Dodgers, Guggenheim Baseball Management LLC (“GBM”) finalized a deal with Frank McCourt for the transfer via sale of the Los Angeles Dodgers franchise and associate assets for the sum of $2 billion. While most of this windfall would find its way to the creditors involved in the previous year’s bankruptcy filing by Mr. McCourt, needless to say it was money well spent for a historic franchise with a track record of success (although not too recent) in the country’s second largest market. And apparently Mark Walter and his Guggenheim money weren’t done redistributing wealth…
With the 2012 College Football Season officially less than one week away (oh hell yes!), I thought it a perfect time to review the minor changes to two specific areas of the NCAA football rulebook over this off-season. Nothing earth shattering—but minor changes were made to the rules governing kick-off procedure, as well as players taking their helmets off while on the field of play. With respect to kickoffs, the ball will be place at the kicking team’s 35-yard line, five yards forward compared to the previous rule. The motivation behind to increase the likelihood of touchbacks and to put kick returners in fewer opportunities to suffer hard hits on kickoffs. In addition, following a touchback, the ball will now be advanced five more yards to the receiving teams 25-yard line. As a result of these changes, you may see more kickers simply go for the touchback (which in theory will be easier while kicking from further up) or “squib” or “pooch” the ball in an attempt to pin a team back inside the 25-yard line. Also, to curb the practice of defensive players gaining a running-start advantage on kickoffs, 10 players of the kicking team must be touching the 30-yard line when the ball is kicked.
Apparently voters save the best for last. After 8 overtime periods, the (2) Starburst vs. (1) Snickers battle was over. After expunging tonnes of peanuts, gallons of caramel and kilos of sugar, Snickers inched past Starburst as a last second heave by Starburst PF Lamar Odom fell well short of the basket. Final Score: 7-6. Snickers fans everywhere began cutting down the nets. Earlier in the day, fellow #1 seed Reese’s Cups blew out the opposition Nestle Crunch bar by a score of 12-1. As could have been expected, these two titans of the sweet tooth might be worn out from battling the likes of Twix, Krackel and PayDay, but with victory within reach, who will be the 2012 Candy Champion????
After hours of deliberation, detailed observation, and the utilization of finite analytic scoring metrics, the 500 Section Olympic Committee has submitted their 2012 London Olympic Female Athlete Award winners! The national breakdown of our medalists is detailed in the chart above. Based on the scientific methods applied to these finalists, all very proud and honorable representatives of their nations aesthetic elite, the committee has also determined the following awards:
We have a Final Four. And not too many surprises with a #1, #1, #2, #4 mix-up. Our only upset came at the hands of #4 Nestle Crunch bar with a decisive 14-6 victory over #3 Skittles. Meanwhile, #1 Reese’s Cups escaped #3 KitKat’s 4th quarter run with clutch free throws and ball control. Not too many stats today since the 500 Section Confectionery Committee is making a weekend business trip to Canada (aka America’s Candyland), but just let it be known that the Mars company has their two heavy weights, #1 Snickers and #2 Starburst, going up against each other a la Duke vs. UNC. To the voting!