Note: All comments occurred in real time, so please ignore that headache you’re getting from the lack of grammatical editing.
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2:43pm – Merkel separated from Greek PM by UEFA president. Who are those two German dudes behind PM? Vendors? Brown shirts?
2:45pm – National Anthems. Since there are some good odds that Greece might not be a legal international body by Euro 2016, let’s let them have their (last) chant.
2:46pm – Neuer! Lahm! Es is die Mannschaft am ESPN! I know the captain stands last, but my god, the height disparity between the 5’6″ Lahm and the 10’2″ Neuer has got to be one of the biggest camera technical challenges for this entire tournament. Also, I’m about 72% sure Neuer’s grandfather was on a poster in Germany back in ’43. And no, he wasn’t an actor. Another way of putting, by our in house Michael Ballack-dopple ganger Steve Bailey [sic] “neuer looks like a giant douchebag. i know he’s not russian but like the russian guy in rocky IV”
2:47pm – Kickoff delayed b/c of the clock. Clock presented to you by Greece: 20 years of delayed bond payments and football games.
2:48pm – ESPN just threw up the starting players graphic. Good odds this game broke the record for most names’ letters on a pitch.
Minute 3:45 – GOALLLL oh wait. The Greeks still remember how to measure in increments smaller than a Marathon. Offsides, Germany.
4:10 – Greek keeper down. Players dropping faster than their country’s Moody’s rating now.
9:10 – German passing continues to improve. Sharper and quicker.
10:40 – Schweinsteiger screw-up/Greek attack snuffed out. However, it looked like a fastbreak led by Shaq and David Stern.
11:39 – Announcers comment on the Greek fans being heavily outnumbered. Insert comment about how they were able to afford flight/hotel for Poland anyways?
13:51 – Yellow Card on the Greeks! Kind of a BS call (semi push) and on Bastian “The lost James Carville Face” Schweinsteiger, so can’t blame the Greek. That being said, its the first card charged to a Greek that didn’t get declined. Hey there!
15:38 – Khedira misses the cross-header combo with some stiff resistance from the Greek defender, immediately followed up by some back and forth talk. I’ve totally underestimated the German-Turk element in this match (given the bad blood between Turkey and Greece). Some double Eff-You potential at play. MultiKultur is back!
18:19 – The Greek coach looks somewhere between a cross of the 50’s rat pack and the guy who sells rugs and carpets in the San Fernando Valley for “a good price for you, my main man”
21:00 (est.) The clock goes out again. Ladies and Gentlemen, the National Clockworkers Union of Greece!
22:38 – PASS! GO…block. Good move by the keeper but beautiful opportunity for Reus.
23:19 – Another SOG. German possession in Greek territory is starting to far outweigh the Greeks. And yes, that pertains to this football match, not the Bundeswehr’s maneuvers into the country.
23:53 – Pass-Pass-slide kick misses. Didn’t know Klose was starting (missed the kick) and looked his 30+ age well.
24:40 – ANOTHER missed SOG. Reus about 1.5 meters to the right of the post. A little bit of bend. Germany, you don’t mess with the Sports Gods like this. Its not Kosher, though I’m sure you know all about being Kosher.
25:55 – I’m not a fan of the Time of Possession imbalance. Scares the hell out of me. Germany as always gets to technical and situated in the opposite zone and I’m just waiting for the defense to be caught shitting during a counter-attack.
27:02 – Greek player #3 down, except this time the ref gives him the “get up” hand motion followed by the Greek obliging. If only the recovery of the Greek economy was this simple.
30:05 – Graphic showing the goal-less streak the Greek keeper is on (137 minutes w/o a goal). Not sure who this jinxes more.
31:50 – Save by Neuer. Greece is starting to get more aggressive with some breakaways on the offensive side. Could’ve been an easy f**kup by Neuer.
34:15 – I’m laying +250 that balls kicked into the stands with the Greek fans aren’t coming back
36:29 – I’ll admit I don’t know s**t about soccer, but I’m not feeling this Klose/Ozil attack up front with Reus and Schuerrle in mid-field. I trust J-Lowe, but Gomez and Meuller out is not my cup of Becks.
38:01 – Just checked official Time of Possession: 80% Germany. Again, this scares the crap out of me.
38:26 – GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
38:50 – LAHM! LAHM! LAHM! LAHM! LAHM! LAHM!.
39:31 – Replay of Merkel celebrating Lahm goal. Didn’t show the follow up of her telling the Greek PM that just bought them another month.
41:28 – Shot #2885 of blonde female German fan. Good job by you, ESPN!
42:32 – Replay of the Lahm goal. Beauty of a shot with a nice bend on it. Again, the hero of the global Male Under 5’8″ movement strikes reaffirms his status.
43:09 – Graphic showing Greece’s record when conceding first goal: 0-6-2. THE GODS ARE WATCHING, ESPN!!!!
44:05 – Shot #2286 of blonde female German fan.
45:00 +0:11 – 3 minutes for stoppage time. I’m sure the Greeks asked for more, but the European Central Bank just closed 20 minutes ago.
HALF – Merkel gives a semi-resounding applause for her team’s effort in the first half. And rocking the power DDR suit well as always. She’s got the same wardrobe as Doug, except if Doug’s vests were in pastels and not only green.
45:14 – Germany’s going camera left, my non-favored FIFA angle. Again, not sure if this is good or bad jinx-wise.
47:20 – I wanna know where the Greek coach keeps his pack of cigarettes on the sideline. Safe bet that 12 minutes of his halftime prep entailed lighting up a few behind the locker room while on the phone with his bookie for some 2nd half bets.
49:08 – Germany penalty cross kick a little high, although good header follow up.
52:17 – Another Greek fastbreak (I don’t know what they’re called in soccer, so we’re going with this term) and another Neuer aggressive move. I swear I’m going to see him on a counterattack one day in a game Germany isn’t even playing.
53:56 – Camera shot of some Greek dudes in the stands wearing track jackets and shirtless Trojan hat. I’d say that Greece is the poor man’s version of Italy, but they’re both poor.
54:43 – Greece goal. 1-1. One insensitive joke too far and that’s what I get. Greek player sporting the “hang loose” with the hands/fingers too. Greece is so poor, they couldn’t afford to get out of the 1990’s. And yes, the goal was on a Greek fastbreak with Neuer playing a little too far out (and not watching the 1-1 match up to his right).
57: 32 – Replay of the Greek goal and shots of the crowd. All across Europe, night shops are closed as their staff are apparently in Gdansk today.
59:24 – Shot by Schuerrle goes through the (NFL) uprights.
61:13 – TORRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Khedira! Score: Germany 1.5 – Greece 1 – Turkey 0.5!
65:28 – Replay of the Khedira goal. Beautiful snipe. (CAUTION) Insert Schindler’s List – Ralph Fiennes joke here.
66:50 – Schuerle out – Mueller in. Time to pour it on.
67:19 – GOAL!!!!!!!!!!!! And the pouring on has begun. Sick cross-header combo. Old man Klose in the clutch! If you’re scoring at home, Germany’s goals have been scored by men with the names Mirolsav and Khedira as well as one by a man who’s height rivals Napoleon. Ladies and Gentlemen, your 21st century German population!
71:10 – In other news, tomorrow’s Luftwaffe “fly over” of Athens has been temporarily delayed. Reschedule TBD.
The rejected cast of the Jersey Shore The Greek fans looked stomach punched.
73:24 – Goal. Reus. Please see stomach punch comment and multiply by 15.
74:09 – Germans are finally showing their offensive prowess (previously limited to tank formations) on the pitch during this tournament.
74:51 – Yellow card handed out to a Greek player who’s name wouldn’t fit on the big Lottery check. Can they cash in letters for debt relief? Did I just solve the debt crisis?
75:00-78:00 – Couldn’t watch the action, actually had to work. But the score is still 4-1 and Greece hasn’t defaulted again, so I probably didn’t miss much.
78:58 – Klose out. Gomez in. Bringing in Mueller and Gomez to finish off the game is like bringing in Mariano Rivera and an F-35 fighter to finish off a HS girl’s softball game.
81:10 – MLS Game of the Week graphic now on the screen. Do the Europeans/World perceive the MLS with the same disrespect that Americans show Yugoslavian manufactured vehicles?
85:30 – Neuer must have re-coiffed his hair for the post-match biergarten.
88:29 – PK good for Greece. And yes, this penalty was not included in the new austerity treaty.
89:04 – Slow-mo replay of the Greek player who just scored cradling the ball and kissing/waving the crowd…goodbye. YES SPORTS GODS, I ADDED THAT LAST WORD! I WILL ANGER YOU ALL I WANT!
89:08 – Sports Gods, I’m so sorry. I lost my faith in a moment of hubris. Please don’t punish Ryan Fitzpatrick later this year. I repent and submit.
90:10 – 2 minutes of extra time. I will give European soccer fans one bit of credit (although it doesn’t make up for their lack of an ability to follow more than one sport. And given some countries’ 20%+ unemployment rates, I mean who wouldn’t be watching Sky Sports all day!), at least the fans in the stadium aren’t piling up the aisles to beat the traffic. Great fandom all around.
92:00 – Final whistle. Germany 4. Greece 2.
Great game, obviously, and finally some good beat down performances by the German players. All Greece could rely upon was swift fastbreak/counterattacks to get behind Germany’s weakness (poor midfield defense). But as many Europeans have come to learn, you don’t mess with the Germans once they bring out the big guns. Deutschland uber alles (except the United States) and bring on the English/Italians!
Final Team Stats:
Score – Germany 4; Greece 2
Yellow Cards – Germany 0; Greece 2
Time of Possession – Germany 77%; Greece 23%
Saves – Germany 1; Greece 8
Corner Kicks – Germany 10; Greece 1