The Ms. 500 Championship Game
Time: Thursday, May 25th 2012. 9:48pm EST.
Place: Our hearts and minds.
The game clock glared a bright yellow :09 as the tension in the stadium could have killed a fat New Jersey governor at a CiCi’s Pizza. Both teams looked to be running on the fumes of their fumes. The scoreboard had held at 6-6 for the entire overtime, waiting for that one shot to put a crown on one lucky lady’s well done up hair. By now, Team Catrinel Menghia and Team Adriana Lima were well known to the group of twenty-somethings guys that had endured the past several weeks. Voting. Debating. Profuse Google-ing. Extensive History clearing. All done in the name of determining who would best a field of 59 beautiful, striking, and breathtaking women + one Emma Watson.
The journey here was no JRR Tolkien bullshit. Nay, the battles fought here were one of heart and soul, not of any earthly rationale. One by one titans of past and present began to fall. Names like Jordana, Hatheway, Knightley, Bilson, and Zooey were over matched both within and outside the 3 point arc. Models, actresses, TV personalities, X-rated “thespians”, no one was safe from the emerging field of feminine juggernauts. It soon became clear that in this race, if you’re not Caucasian, you’re not Stay’in. As the 64 turned to 32, 16 and then an elite group of 8, the surviving contestants were for the most part an expected group. But one name began to turn heads. Some year’s have their VCU, George Mason, or Butler, but we, we had our Emma Watson. Born on (THIS SECTION HAS BEEN REMOVED BY THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION) in Paris, France, Ms. Watson is known throughout the world as the Harry Potter she-devil. Undoubtedly, name recognition and an immense built in fan base were her strongest suits, while shortfalls in “experience” and free throw shooting became rapidly apparent during the early rounds. Nonetheless, she (somehow) persevered past well-renowned, but not so endowed teams like Maria Sharipova, Erin Andrews, and Kristen Bell. When she took the court against Brazilian supermodel (and tournament finalist-to be) Adriana Lima, momentum was spelled E-M-M-A. But it was not to be as Ms. Lima pulled away and took the Anthony Davis region title by a score of 7-4. Ms. Watson went home, but not before taking all our dignity with her. All of it. Christ, you people even gave me shit for Aimee Teegarden, who is a whole 6 months older than Emma Watson! *Sigh* let’s move on…
So back to our Championship game. Overtime. Votes have come in from all across the country, even from those who neglected the first 4 rounds for reasons that are beyond understanding, yet quite rational in retrospect. Both teams were done, exhausting whatever support they thought was available to them. The final shot would come down to the 13th man. When he got off the bench, the others around him gazed with confusion mixed with a tinge of shock. This one time University of Mary Washington student had been a quiet non-contributor on the court up till now. A journeyman in search of a journey, he was ready to make his mark on this tournament, whether either woman wanted it or not. After taking an in bound pass from now down-and-out Stacey Keibler (a pass that was almost intercepted by a still bitter at her 1st round exit Charlize Theron), he dribbled off the top of the arc, looking for the open shot. Unbeknownst to him, his four teammates were wide open in the key the entire time calling out for the pass and easy bucket, this nothing so simple would addle him. The clock kept running, 6…5…4, and the dribbling kept dribbling. With seemingly nowhere to go through the zone defense of Adriana Lima, he seemed doomed to force the game into double OT. But just then, out of the corner of his eye, streaking along the baseline with a single finger pointing up towards the basket, moved the Romanian-Fiat supermodel that had dominated her way into the Championship game. With a one handed toss over his right shoulder, he released the ball hoping against all hope that it was at least towards the basket. 3…2…. With the audience rising to their feet after their eyes were distracted by that Adriana Lima zone defense, the ball sailed into the hands of Catrinel Menghia for the alley-oop and winning bucket just as time expired.
With ticker tape and streamers making its way down from the rafters, Catrinel 7 – Adriana 6 finalized the scoreboard. In the end, even Victoria’s Secret couldn’t out-lingerie the combination of Romanian attitude and Italian zest.
And so without further ado, dunking over a Fiat 500 Blake Griffen style, your 2012 Ms. 500: Ms. Catrinel Menghia!
(And no, I did not make this. It was on Google)
– Total Tournament Votes
Catrinel Menghia (46 votes)
Adriana Lima (36 votes)
– Tournament victories
Catrinel Menghia: (16) Kiira Korpi, (9) Maria Kirilenko, (12) Sofia Vegara, (3) Candace Bailey, (1) Stacey Keibler
Adriana Lima: (14) Rima Kakih, (6) Tori Black, (2) Jennifer Lawrence, (4) Emma Watson, (4) Kate Upton
DOB: October 1, 1985 (age 26)
POB: Iasi, Romania
Height: 5′ 9″
Weight: 112 lbs
Hair/Eyes: Dark Brown/Brown
Status: Married (to ex-footballer Massimo Brambati in 2005)….BUT filed for divorce in late 2011. (YES!!!!)
Random Facts: Sister is a high-jumper currently playing for the Nebraska Cornhuskers (road trip to Lincoln is scheduled for June 16). Currently resides in Milan, Italy.
DOB: June 12, 1981 (age 30)
POB: Salvador, Brazil
Height: 5′ 10″
Weight: 120 lbs
Status: Married (we’ve previously introduced Mr. Jaric) and with one child and another on the way, although I’m shocked there aren’t more…Also no news on a potential separation any time in the near future.
Random Facts: Devout Roman Catholic (me too as of the beginning of this sentence!). 2010 FHM Sexiest Woman in the World; also ranked in ’07, ’08, and ’09. Model for Victoria’s Secret since 1999 and 2012 Super Bowl Kia Commercial appearance. Married in Jackson, Wyoming.
I would like to take this time to thank each and every one of our participants, from those believers that something like this could happen, to those doubters that can go f**k themselves. From the Selection Committee through each round of voting, you are all warriors in a very Joseph Kony kind of way. I would also like to give a shout out to the cities of Iasi, Romania and Salvador, Brazil for producing and maturing these pinnacles of human evolution. Thanks again and see you all next year for the 2013 Ms. 500 Tournament!