Monthly Archives: May 2012

Ms. 500 Tournament – Championship Overtime

The Ms. 500 Championship Game

Time: Thursday, May 25th 2012.  9:48pm EST.

Place: Our hearts and minds.

The game clock glared a bright yellow :09 as the tension in the stadium could have killed a fat New Jersey governor at a CiCi’s Pizza.  Both teams looked to be running on the fumes of their fumes.  The scoreboard had held at 6-6 for the entire overtime, waiting for that one shot to put a crown on one lucky lady’s well done up hair.  By now, Team Catrinel Menghia and Team Adriana Lima were well known to the group of twenty-somethings guys that had endured the past several weeks.  Voting.  Debating.  Profuse Google-ing.  Extensive History clearing.  All done in the name of determining who would best a field of 59 beautiful, striking, and breathtaking women + one Emma Watson.

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Ms. 500 Tournament – Championship Matchup

The Battle of the Brunettes

Two marquee match-ups led to two marquee finishes.  As a sign of the times for the good US of A, our last buxom, all-American blondes couldn’t hold off the second half offensive onslaughts put on by their Romanian and Brazilian counterparts.  Check out the box scores if you don’t believe me:

(1) Catrinel Menghia vs. (1) Stacey Keibler

Final Score: 6 – 4

CM: 32 points, 11 rebounds, 4 assists, 51% FG, 38% 3PT, 88% FT

SK: 18 points, 9 rebounds, 9 assists, 41% FG, 10% 3PT, 91% FT

(3) Adriana Lima vs. (4) Kate Upton

Final Score: 6 – 4

AL: 29 points, 6 rebounds, 14 assists, 44% FG, 41% 3PT, 82% FT

KU: 32 points, 15 rebounds, 2 assists, 38% FG, 22% 3PT, 91% FT

Ms. Catrinel Menghia utilized her European offensive gameplan and relied on a bevy of healthy jump shooting both within and beyond the arc.  Between her great wingspan and Fiat driven penetration in the paint, Ms. Menghia kept her halftime lead steady as she implemented a strong zone defense against Ms. Stacey “Clooney” Keibler.  Keibler’s age started to show late in the 2nd half as she slowed down and couldn’t knock in any long range shots.  Meanwhile, Kate Upton realized her true colors as a one-woman, showboating One-and-Done prospect that she is, taking a whopping 28 shots and nary looking her teammates way during the final stretches of the game.  While putting on a statistical show for the NBA scouts in the building, her LeBron one-woman show ended up proving similar results to Miami’s finest player.   Meanwhile, somewhere in New York, Carmello Anthony is nodding with great approval.  Adriana Lima took the advice of her former NBA Serbian husband Marko Jaric, threw it in the trash, and put on a masterful Magic Johnson-esque performance dishing out 14 dimes (no HIV joke here, sorry).

And so as we bid farewell to our two lovely ladies, I’d like to take the time to reflect and give a great thanks and sigh of relief to the fact that Emma Watson did not make it this far.  The wiretaps can be turned off now.

Without further ado, Gentlemen and Gentlemen, I present to you the 2012 Ms. 500 Championship Match-up (Brought to you by Fiat and Kia)!

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G-8 Soccer Party

This photo was taken during the 2012 Champions League Final between Chelsea and Bayern Munich on May 19th.

Apparently, United Kingdom Prime Minister David Cameron (arms raised) is a Chelsea fan (they won on PKs).

Apparently, the session was interrupted to watch the match while the heads of state were discussing the ongoing conflict in Syria.

Apparently, Bayern Munich’s loss prompted German Chancellor Angela Merkel (only female in the room and 2012 Ms. 500 “Miss Congeniality” winner) to make a phone call back to Berlin ordering the 5th army to advance on the Maginot Line.

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Ms. 500 Tournament – Final Four Preview (Also known as the “We’re Not Getting Arrested by the FBI re: Emma Watson” Preview)

Gents,

We’ve finally made it to our Final Four.

Upon public outcry over the lack of Elite 8 analysis, we here at the 500 Committee (Population: Me) have decided to double down and offer up a super-sized analysis of the last two rounds in anticipation of our Final Four.   Speaking of which, I am please to announced our four lucky sillies who still have a chance to win the prestigious crown of 2012 Ms. 500!

– (1) Catrinel Menghia

Coming out of our Matt Kemp region, this Romanian supermodel stole our hearts during the Super Bowl’s (in)famous Fiat commercial and made us think of purchasing the little POS vehicle for a whole 5 seconds.  An advertising feat that even 1962 Don Draper couldn’t match!  And quite fitting that her placement in the Matt Kemp region has reflected her barnstorming through the tournament like a post-Rihanna Kemp knocking down every National League pitcher.  While her merits alone make her our UConn of the tourney, she has also had probably the easiest schedule of any of our Final Females.  Her matchups against (16) Kiira Korpi, (9) Maria Kirilenko, (12) Sofia Vegara, and (3) Candace Bailey was practically unleashing a in his prime Tyson on a group of Vietnamese high schoolers…not a chance.  Will her cruising through the first 4 rounds make her soft against her Final Four matchup against….

– (1) Stacy Keibler

For every Romanian brunette bombshell/UConn, there’s bound to be your American blonde bombshell/UNC.  Mrs. Clooney-to-be has shown us that semi-old dogs can still be hot tricks and laid waste to mid-major darling (8) Amber Heard and perennial powerhouse Syracuse/Marissa Miller in the Elite 8.  While I’m not quite sure what the hell she has been doing since she left the WWF/WWE, my best guess is that she’s been practicing avoiding the Google Docs strikethrough because she might be on her way to a 2012 title.  She might be our oldest contestant (at 32) still left in the bracket, she is our tallest (5′ 11”) and has used that inside presence to outscore her opponents in the paint by a whopping 34-24-36 (actual figures!) while shooting 56%.  Her heave from the top of the key against Natalie Portman during the final solution seconds was remarkable, if not very lucky (Final Socre: 6-5).  Still, a number 1 seed is going to fall, but either contestant should be a formidable matchup for our next two contestants.

– (3) Adriana Lima

Although she’s been strutting the runway more often than American Airlines this past decade, Ms. Lima (no relation to RIP Jose Lima) found a renewed sense of purpose as the challenger to “Why I would even consider buying a Kia” title that Blake Griffin has held over the past year.  Her Super Bowl appearance aside, Adriana’s #3 seeding is probably a result of poor recruiting over the past few years, relying on Zero-and-done players like Marko Jaric (FOOTNOTE: seriously, she married this former NBA backup, current Serbian Serb and even welcomed their first child into the world in 2009.  How is THIS possible and Buffalo still can’t find a decent QB, with sincere apologies to Fitzmagic).  On paper, Adriana Lima has all the characteristics of your prototypical Big East contender: devout Catholic, Victoria Secret model, Forbes top 5 richest models in the world, Brazilian.  Yet her age (30) and inability to blow out our Disney Cinderella story (4) Emma Watson in the Elite 8 (Score: 7-4), has caused some worry that her better days are behind her, a la Georgetown.  So, after surviving the tournaments best penetration team (Tori Black) and most balanced team (Jennifer Lawrence), is there enough in the tank to weather the storm against this years’ Kentucky…

– (4) Kate Upton

Talk about One-and-Done.  Kate Upton, the owner of this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Cover, is bound to go on to bigger and better things than the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Cover.  Still not old enough to drink (age: 19), I’m pretty sure if it wasn’t for her “twin towers” at the power forward and center positions, that we should have been a little more worried about her barnstorming through the tourney than Emma Watson.  Then again, Emma Watson never happened, you hear me?  Don’t bring this up during the interrogations (with Arlington PD or current/future GFs).  Still, she has John Walled our hearts and Anthony Davis’d our bracket, showing great versatility taking down (if it existed) 2002 Ms. 500 Champ (5) Jessica Alba, #1 seed Elisha Cuthbert, and (3) Scarlett Jo.  Our lowest ranked seed remaining, Ms. Upton represents the other half of the US’s chance to claim the tournament, and wouldn’t you know both possibilities are buxom and blonde.  The German Aryans/Steve Bailey’s hair couldn’t be prouder.  Still, her youth and inexperience (ha, I doubt it) are her achilles heel, as well as that 48% on free throws mark, and could tank her not-so-surprising run.  Then again, there’s always next year (pan to John Calipari laughing hysterically as he walks out of the NCAA offices with his national title ring).

FINAL THOUGHTS

I am very disappointed in the fall of fan favorite and feel good story Jennifer Lawrence.  How dare all of you!  And yes, I’m judging you guys in the middle of the most chauvinistic display of male exposition that flies in the face of everything the women’s rights movement has been working towards over the past 4 decades.  Nonetheless, Ms. Lawrence is bound to be our Duke for the near future, the perennial contender with well rounded front/backcourt talent, and a strong image off-court image (sans any Men’s Lacrosse reference).  My 2013 smart money is on her.  May the odds ever be in her favor!

Sweet 16 and Elite 8 Round-Up

– No unanimous winners this round.  Closest blowout match-ups were 9-2 victory by: (1) Catrinel Menghia over (3) Candace Bailey

– Sweet 16 Buzzer beaters (Each winner won by a 6-5 score):

(3) Candace Bailey over  (7) Mila Kunis

(2) Scarlett Johannsson over (3) Brooklyn Decker

– Upset Special Alert:  (4) Kate Upton’s 22-9-11 performance (w/ her GOP Congressman uncle rooting from the stands) was enough to power her past (3) Scarlett Johansson for our only upset of the Elite 8.

Sweet 16 upsets were as follows:

(3) Natalie Portman vs. (2) Bar Refaeli

(3) Sofia Vegara vs. (2) Jennifer Lawrence

(4) Kate Upton vs. (1) Elisha Cuthbert

(3) Scarlett Johansson vs. (2) Brooklyn Decker

– When Dooley falls, he falls hard.  After having 5 ladies enter the Sweet 16 under his patronage, 4 fell to the wayside leaving us with an even distribution of horses still in the race:

Dooley: Kate Upton

Anthony: Adriana Lima

Fitz: Stacy Keibler

Mik: Catrinel Menghia

Random Facts:

– Our token minority is Adriana Lima.  Which is like calling UMW cosmopolitan.

– There are 3 models and 1 Stacey Keibler left in the bracket.  No Nobel Peace Prize winners or astrophysicists left in the tournament.

– All pornstars have still been eliminated

– National breakdowns are as follows: 2 Americans, 1 Brazilian, and 1 Romanian.  NATO 3 – Mercosur 1.

– 2 straight up blondes and 2 straight up brunettes

– Combined weight of the Final Four: 510 lbs. (which is still about 38 lbs. short of CC Sabathia)

– Most random fact: Kate Upton played a nun in a bikini in the Three Stooges movie.

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Here are the Sweet 16 final voting tallies (Seeding- Name – Votes w/ winner in italics):

Matt Kemp Region 

1 Catrinel Menghia vs.  12 Sofia Vegara 2

3 Candace Bailey vs.  7 Mila Kunis 5

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Brooks Laich Region
1 Stacey Keibler vs.  4 Marissa Miller 3

2 Bar Refaeli vs.  3 Natalie Portman 9

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Anthony Davis Region

2 Jennifer Lawrence vs.  3 Adriana Lima  7

4 Emma Watson 6  vs.  9 Kristen Bell 5

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RGIII Region
1 Elisha Cuthbert  2 vs.  4 Kate Upton 9

2 Brooklyn Decker vs.  3 Scarlett Johansson 6

—-

Here are the Elite 8 final voting tallies (Seeding- Name – Votes w/ winner in italics):

Matt Kemp Region 

1 Catrinel Menghia vs.  3 Candace Bailey 2

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Brooks Laich Region
1 Stacey Keibler  6  vs.  3 Natalie Portman 5

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Anthony Davis Region

3 Adriana Lima  7 vs.  4 Emma Watson 4

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RGIII Region
3 Scarlett Johansson 3 vs. 4 Kate Upton 8

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Dodger Dogs – The Next Frontier

 

I’m not sure whether this is even legal, and this is coming from a stadium that is usually filled with 72% illegals.

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2012 Ms. 500 Round 2 – Results and Analysis

Fellow Members of the 19th Century Romantic Literature – Arlington Chapter (AKA The 500 Section),

If you were OVERLY excited about President Obama’s announcement today, then this entire tournament process may not be your cup of tea.  Otherwise, let’s continue where we left off.

The Sweet 16 is here and the powerhouse sillies are starting to fall.  Again we needed a late night, overtime series of tiebreakers.  As I type this, the Memphis Grizzlies season is on life support, so if this message cuts out half way through because my laptop went flying at the TV, no harm no foul.  Here’s the SABR-metric style breakdown:

– No unanimous winners this round.  Closest blowout match-ups were 9-2 victories by: (1) Catrinel Menghia, (3) Natalie Portman, (3) Scarlett Johansson, and (2) Brooklyn Decker

– Buzzer beater three’s saved 5 lucky ladies (Each winner won by a 6-5 score):

(12) Sofia Vegara over (4) Emma Stone

(3) Candace Bailey over  (6) Olivia Munn

(7) Mila Kunis over (2) Arianny Celeste

(1) Stacey Keibler over (8) Amber Heard

(3) Adriana Lima over (6) Tori Black

– Upset Special Alert:  Only 3 sillies “blew” sent their voluptuous  opponents out of the stadium, including this year’s VCU Ms. Sofia Vegara and our first #1 knocked off:

(9) Kristen Bell vs. (1) Miranda Kerr

(12) Sofia Vegara vs. (4) Melissa Theuriau

(7) Mila Kunis vs. (2) Arianny Celeste

– Apparently Dooley voted no in the North Carolina gay marriage vote on Tuesday because he knows his women, or at least spends too much time at work Googling these chicks.  Either way, he’s leading the pack in Selection Picks still in the chase:

Dooley: 5

Anthony: 2

Mike H: 2

Schroll: 2

Mik: 1

Kyle: 1

Conor: 1

Fitz: 1

Bailey: 1

Random Facts:

– There is only 1 “minority” silly left in the Tournament, that being Cinderella #12 Sofia Vegara (unless we count Brazilian Adriana Lima or the 2 Hebrew Hotties in Natalie Portman and Bar Refaeli)

– There are 9 actresses, 6 models and 1 Stacey Keibler left in the bracket

– All pornstars have been eliminated

– National breakdowns are as follows: 11 Americans, 2 Israelis, 1 Columbian, 1 British, 1 Brazilian, and 1 Romanian

– 7 straight up blondes, 3 light browns/blondes, 1 light brunette, 5 straight up brunettes

——————————————————

Here are the final voting tallies (Seeding- Name – Votes):

Matt Kemp Region 

1 Catrinel Menghia  9  vs.  9 Maria Kirilenko 2

2 Arianny Celeste  5  vs.  7 Mila Kunis 6

3 Candace Bailey  6  vs.  6 Olivia Munn 5

4 Emma Stone  5  vs.  12 Sofia Vegara 6

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Brooks Laich Region
1 Stacey Keibler  6  vs.  8 Amber Heard 5

2 Bar Refaeli  7  vs.  10 Alison Brie 4

3 Natalie Portman  13  9.  6 Lucy Pinder 2

4 Marissa Miller  8  vs.  12 Kristen Stewart 3

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Anthony Davis Region
1 Miranda Kerr  3  vs.  9 Kristen Bell 8

2 Jennifer Lawrence  7  vs.  7 Rachel McAdams 4

3 Adriana Lima  6  vs.  6 Tori Black 5

4 Emma Watson 7  vs.  12 Erin Andrews 4

——————————————————

RGIII Region
1 Elisha Cuthbert  8 vs.  9 Minka Kelly 3

2 Brooklyn Decker  9  vs.  7 Emmanuelle Chirqui 4

3 Scarlett Johansson 9 vs.  11 Sarah Shahi 2

4 Kate Upton 8  vs.  5 Jessica Alba 3

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2012 Ms. 500 Round 1 – Results and Analysis

Gentlemen and Guys,

Our 2012 Ms. 500 Tournament Round 1 Results are in!  Needless to say, this was the most exciting counting I’ve done at work they shut down online gambling in the US.  Either way, Round 1 was full of upsets, buzzer beaters, blowouts, and sillies.  Here is a rundown of the action:

– There were 4 unanimous votes: (1) Catrinel Menghia, (1) Stacey Keibler, (3) Natalie Portman, and (1) Elisha Cuthbert

– 3 match-ups came down to a buzzer beater at the end:  vs. Kristen Stewart (12) over (5) Lexi Belle , (10) Alison Brie over  (7) Kiera Knightley, and (8) Amber Heard over (9) Hayden Panettiere

– Upset Special Alert:  8 sillies were able to overcome their opponent’s “zone defense” and move on to the 2nd Round:

(12) Sofia Vegara vs. (5) Melissa Theuriau

(12) Erin Andrews vs. (5) Jordana Brewster

(12) Kristen Stewart vs. (5) Lexi Belle

(11) Sarah Shahi vs. (6) Gabrielle Union

(10) Alison Brie vs. (7) Kiera Knightley

(9) Maria Kirilenko vs. (8) Zoe Saldana

(9) Kristen Bell vs. (8) Alex Morgan

(9) Minka Kelly vs. (8) Sophia Bush

– Regarding personal horses in the race, here is a breakdown of how many how many picks each of us still has in the Tourney:

Dooley: 6

Anthony: 5

Schroll: 4

Guckenberg: 3

Mik: 3

Scotty Z: 2

Kyle: 2

Hollister: 2

Conor: 1

Fitz: 1

John: 1

Bailey: 1

Hart: 1

——————————————————

Here are the final voting tallies (Seeding- Name – Votes):

Matt Kemp Region 

1 Catrinel Menghia  13  vs.  16 Kiira Korpi 0

2 Arianny Celeste  9  vs.  15 Eliza Dushku 4

3 Candace Bailey  11  vs.  14 Melyssa Ford 2

4 Emma Stone  11  vs.  13 Zooey Deschanel 2

5 Melissa Theuriau  5  vs.  12 Sofia Vegara 8

6 Olivia Munn  9  vs.  11 Charlize Theron 4

7 Mila Kunis  11  vs.  10 Nathalie Fay 2

8 Zoe Saldana  3  vs.  9 Maria Kirilenko 10

——————————————————

Brooks Laich Region
1 Stacey Keibler  13  vs.  16 Hope Solo 0

2 Bar Refaeli  11  vs.  15 Christina Hendricks 2

3 Natalie Portman  13  vs.  14 April Bowlby 0

4 Marissa Miller  11  vs.  13 Ana Ivanovic 2

5 Lexi Belle 6  vs.  12 Kristen Stewart 7

6 Lucy Pinder  8  vs.  11 Rachel Bilson 5

7 Keira Knightley  6  vs.  10 Alison Brie 7

8 Amber Heard  7  vs.  9 Hayden Panettiere 6

——————————————————

Anthony Davis Region
1 Miranda Kerr  11  vs.  16 Aimee Teegarden 2

2 Jennifer Lawrence  12  vs.  15 Anne Hatheway 1

3 Adriana Lima  11  vs.  14 Rima Fakih 2

4 Emma Watson 9  vs.  13 Maria Sharipova 4

5 Jordana Brewster  5  vs.  12 Erin Andrews 8

6 Tori Black  9  vs.  11 Irina Shayk 4

7 Rachel McAdams  9  vs.  10 Elizabeth Banks 4

8 Alex Morgan  5  vs.  9 Kristen Bell 8

——————————————————

RGIII Region
1 Elisha Cuthbert  13  vs.  16 Anna Kendrick 0

2 Brooklyn Decker  11  vs.  15 Vanessa Hudgins 2

3 Scarlett Johansson 12 vs.  14 Lacey Minchew 1

4 Kate Upton 13  vs.  13 Sasha Gray 0

5 Jessica Alba  8 vs.  12 Yvonne Strahovski 5

6 Gabrielle Union  5  vs.  11 Sarah Shahi 8

7 Emmanuelle Chirqui  10  vs.  10 Aishwarya Rai 3

8 Sophia Bush 4  vs.  9 Minka Kelly 9

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