We’ve finally made it to our Final Four.
Upon public outcry over the lack of Elite 8 analysis, we here at the 500 Committee (Population: Me) have decided to double down and offer up a super-sized analysis of the last two rounds in anticipation of our Final Four. Speaking of which, I am please to announced our four lucky sillies who still have a chance to win the prestigious crown of 2012 Ms. 500!
– (1) Catrinel Menghia
Coming out of our Matt Kemp region, this Romanian supermodel stole our hearts during the Super Bowl’s (in)famous Fiat commercial and made us think of purchasing the little POS vehicle for a whole 5 seconds. An advertising feat that even 1962 Don Draper couldn’t match! And quite fitting that her placement in the Matt Kemp region has reflected her barnstorming through the tournament like a post-Rihanna Kemp knocking down every National League pitcher. While her merits alone make her our UConn of the tourney, she has also had probably the easiest schedule of any of our Final Females. Her matchups against (16) Kiira Korpi, (9) Maria Kirilenko, (12) Sofia Vegara, and (3) Candace Bailey was practically unleashing a in his prime Tyson on a group of Vietnamese high schoolers…not a chance. Will her cruising through the first 4 rounds make her soft against her Final Four matchup against….
– (1) Stacy Keibler
For every Romanian brunette bombshell/UConn, there’s bound to be your American blonde bombshell/UNC. Mrs. Clooney-to-be has shown us that semi-old dogs can still be hot tricks and laid waste to mid-major darling (8) Amber Heard and perennial powerhouse Syracuse/Marissa Miller in the Elite 8. While I’m not quite sure what the hell she has been doing since she left the WWF/WWE, my best guess is that she’s been practicing avoiding the Google Docs strikethrough because she might be on her way to a 2012 title. She might be our oldest contestant (at 32) still left in the bracket, she is our tallest (5′ 11”) and has used that inside presence to outscore her opponents in the paint by a whopping 34-24-36 (actual figures!) while shooting 56%. Her heave from the top of the key against Natalie Portman during the final
solution seconds was remarkable, if not very lucky (Final Socre: 6-5). Still, a number 1 seed is going to fall, but either contestant should be a formidable matchup for our next two contestants.
– (3) Adriana Lima
Although she’s been strutting the runway more often than American Airlines this past decade, Ms. Lima (no relation to RIP Jose Lima) found a renewed sense of purpose as the challenger to “Why I would even consider buying a Kia” title that Blake Griffin has held over the past year. Her Super Bowl appearance aside, Adriana’s #3 seeding is probably a result of poor recruiting over the past few years, relying on Zero-and-done players like Marko Jaric (FOOTNOTE: seriously, she married this former NBA backup, current Serbian Serb and even welcomed their first child into the world in 2009. How is THIS possible and Buffalo still can’t find a decent QB, with sincere apologies to Fitzmagic). On paper, Adriana Lima has all the characteristics of your prototypical Big East contender: devout Catholic, Victoria Secret model, Forbes top 5 richest models in the world, Brazilian. Yet her age (30) and inability to blow out our Disney Cinderella story (4) Emma Watson in the Elite 8 (Score: 7-4), has caused some worry that her better days are behind her, a la Georgetown. So, after surviving the tournaments best penetration team (Tori Black) and most balanced team (Jennifer Lawrence), is there enough in the tank to weather the storm against this years’ Kentucky…
– (4) Kate Upton
Talk about One-and-Done. Kate Upton, the owner of this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Cover, is bound to go on to bigger and better things than the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Cover. Still not old enough to drink (age: 19), I’m pretty sure if it wasn’t for her “twin towers” at the power forward and center positions, that we should have been a little more worried about her barnstorming through the tourney than Emma Watson. Then again, Emma Watson never happened, you hear me? Don’t bring this up during the interrogations (with Arlington PD or current/future GFs). Still, she has John Walled our hearts and Anthony Davis’d our bracket, showing great versatility taking down (if it existed) 2002 Ms. 500 Champ (5) Jessica Alba, #1 seed Elisha Cuthbert, and (3) Scarlett Jo. Our lowest ranked seed remaining, Ms. Upton represents the other half of the US’s chance to claim the tournament, and wouldn’t you know both possibilities are buxom and blonde. The German Aryans/Steve Bailey’s hair couldn’t be prouder. Still, her youth and inexperience (ha, I doubt it) are her achilles heel, as well as that 48% on free throws mark, and could tank her not-so-surprising run. Then again, there’s always next year (pan to John Calipari laughing hysterically as he walks out of the NCAA offices with his national title ring).
I am very disappointed in the fall of fan favorite and feel good story Jennifer Lawrence. How dare all of you! And yes, I’m judging you guys in the middle of the most chauvinistic display of male exposition that flies in the face of everything the women’s rights movement has been working towards over the past 4 decades. Nonetheless, Ms. Lawrence is bound to be our Duke for the near future, the perennial contender with well rounded front/backcourt talent, and a strong image off-court image (sans any Men’s Lacrosse reference). My 2013 smart money is on her. May the odds ever be in her favor!
Sweet 16 and Elite 8 Round-Up
– No unanimous winners this round. Closest blowout match-ups were 9-2 victory by: (1) Catrinel Menghia over (3) Candace Bailey
– Sweet 16 Buzzer beaters (Each winner won by a 6-5 score):
(3) Candace Bailey over (7) Mila Kunis
(2) Scarlett Johannsson over (3) Brooklyn Decker
– Upset Special Alert: (4) Kate Upton’s 22-9-11 performance (w/ her GOP Congressman uncle rooting from the stands) was enough to power her past (3) Scarlett Johansson for our only upset of the Elite 8.
Sweet 16 upsets were as follows:
(3) Natalie Portman vs. (2) Bar Refaeli
(3) Sofia Vegara vs. (2) Jennifer Lawrence
(4) Kate Upton vs. (1) Elisha Cuthbert
(3) Scarlett Johansson vs. (2) Brooklyn Decker
– When Dooley falls, he falls hard. After having 5 ladies enter the Sweet 16 under his patronage, 4 fell to the wayside leaving us with an even distribution of horses still in the race:
Dooley: Kate Upton
Anthony: Adriana Lima
Fitz: Stacy Keibler
Mik: Catrinel Menghia
– Our token minority is Adriana Lima. Which is like calling UMW cosmopolitan.
– There are 3 models and 1 Stacey Keibler left in the bracket. No Nobel Peace Prize winners or astrophysicists left in the tournament.
– All pornstars have still been eliminated
– National breakdowns are as follows: 2 Americans, 1 Brazilian, and 1 Romanian. NATO 3 – Mercosur 1.
– 2 straight up blondes and 2 straight up brunettes
– Combined weight of the Final Four: 510 lbs. (which is still about 38 lbs. short of CC Sabathia)
– Most random fact: Kate Upton played a nun in a bikini in the Three Stooges movie.
Here are the Sweet 16 final voting tallies (Seeding- Name – Votes w/ winner in italics):
Matt Kemp Region
1 Catrinel Menghia 9 vs. 12 Sofia Vegara 2
3 Candace Bailey 6 vs. 7 Mila Kunis 5
Brooks Laich Region
1 Stacey Keibler 8 vs. 4 Marissa Miller 3
2 Bar Refaeli 2 vs. 3 Natalie Portman 9
Anthony Davis Region
2 Jennifer Lawrence 4 vs. 3 Adriana Lima 7
4 Emma Watson 6 vs. 9 Kristen Bell 5
1 Elisha Cuthbert 2 vs. 4 Kate Upton 9
2 Brooklyn Decker 5 vs. 3 Scarlett Johansson 6
Here are the Elite 8 final voting tallies (Seeding- Name – Votes w/ winner in italics):
Matt Kemp Region
1 Catrinel Menghia 9 vs. 3 Candace Bailey 2
Brooks Laich Region
1 Stacey Keibler 6 vs. 3 Natalie Portman 5
Anthony Davis Region
3 Adriana Lima 7 vs. 4 Emma Watson 4
3 Scarlett Johansson 3 vs. 4 Kate Upton 8